Tough Love, Tough Decisions, and One Tough Little Cowboy

“For it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose.”—Philippians 2:13 (NIV)

“God is not unjust; he will not forget your work and the love you have shown him as you have helped his people and continue to help them.”—Hebrews 6:10 (NIV)

“Stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.”—1 Corinthians 15:58 (NIV)

Before we started fostering, we considered our daughters’ safety and stability and decided never to take in a child who was outside of our daughters’ birth order and too close to their ages. When we got a placement call for a boy named Tyler, who was just a few months younger than our youngest, we decided to break our own rule and agreed to take him.

Tyler came to us wearing jeans and a pair of cowboy boots with a big hole in one of them. Even though we had bought him new sneakers, he was obsessed with being a cowboy and only wanted to wear those boots.

After the “honeymoon period” wore off, we learned that breaking our own age rule was not what was best for our whole family. Tyler hit one of our girls when we weren’t looking, so we sent the girls outside while we had a talk with him about the incident. Tyler had been in the system for a while. It’s not uncommon for foster parents to abuse the children they’re supposed to be protecting. Tyler began to scream at the top of his lungs, “Ah, you’re hurting me. Ow! You hit me!”

Of course, we wanted to provide a loving home for this hurt boy to thrive in. However, these types of behaviors and false accusations continued and escalated at home and school, putting an incredible strain on our marriage and our family’s reputation. We knew we had to make a tough-love decision and give the notice to have Tyler placed elsewhere. We experienced shame and guilt over deciding to break placement and felt like failures as foster parents. What would people think of us sending a foster child to another home?

As the day for his placement change drew near, we took Tyler to a boot store and let him pick out a brand-new pair of expensive boots. We wanted him to have those boots to know we loved him; despite all the trouble we had experienced.

Tyler let down his walls enough to admit that he had acted out and that he was sorry. For his last few days in our home, we were able to show Tyler forgiveness with a mix of both tough and tender love that we hope will travel with him, as those new boots, to his future placement and for the rest of his life.