The Good Mess: Finding Beauty in Imperfect MomentsSample

A Slow Murder

By Elaine Fisher

Two are better than one,
Because they have a good reward for their labor.
For if they fall, one will lift up his companion.
But woe to him who is alone when he falls,
For he has no one to help him up . . .
Though one may be overpowered by another, two can withstand him.
And a threefold cord is not quickly broken.
–Ecclesiastes 4:9–10, 12 (NKJV)

Shortly after Ethan and I got married, my mom and I were talking about a frustration I had with him. She shared about a similar situation with my dad. I remember relief washing over me as I said, “Oh, you get annoyed with your husband too?!” And I thought, Whew, okay, I’m normal.

I went into married life thinking it would be easy because we both loved Jesus, and Ethan was “the one.” Then we hit trials and had arguments, and I began to wonder if maybe we weren’t very compatible. I expected our marriage to look like my parents’, but they had been married for close to thirty years. I was expecting a foundation to be there that Ethan and I hadn’t built yet! My biggest fault in marriage has been my expectations. Now, thirteen years in, I’m still reworking my expectations.

We live in a time where social media is a big deal. It’s actually guiding our culture, and within it, there’s a lot of talk about what we deserve, what makes us comfortable, and self-care. Taking time for yourself and not letting people walk all over you is necessary, but the rhetoric often leans toward complete selfishness. If we’re not careful, self-care can become self-indulgence. We can even become entitled and demanding.

Social media feeds us unreal expectations for our lives. We see a twenty second clip of a friend’s seemingly perfect life and the flowers her husband brought home and images that compel us to compare our bodies, our homes, and our marriages. We develop unrealistic expectations, and I believe, as a result, we’re seeing more divorces in the younger generation.

Ethan is truly a gift to me, but I jokingly told the Lord early in our marriage that this gift feels like a slow murder. But in a good way! The Lord calls us to die in order to live (see Luke 9:23–25; Galatians 5:24). And with every little death of self, I’ve grown and lived more fully. Dying to self has caused me to find my voice and forced me to do good things. Ethan challenges me more than anyone. He prays for me more than anyone. He loves me like no one else. And I do the same with him. We love each other.

When we focus on serving one another and God together, we enjoy marriage! But it took time to build a strong foundation as a couple. And when we compete with one another, become selfish, or focus on unrealistic expectations, we experience frustration.

Now, I try to see our differences as complementary instead of contradictory. Ultimately, Ethan and I sharpen each other to be more like Christ so God can do something amazing through us to reach people. Together, we can fulfill God’s call to be an image of Christ’s love to a lost world.

My marriage isn’t perfect, but I’m not going to let selfishness, false expectations, or the comparison of others sully what a gift my marriage is.

What expectations about your relationships do you need to examine today? Are you letting social media or other people tell you what they should look like? Have you bought into the enemy’s lies of selfishness? Take some time with the Lord today to ask Him about His desire for your relationships.

Finding Beauty in the Mess

Is there an area of your life where you’ve let selfishness, comparison, or unreal expectations win? Bring it to the Lord, and ask Him how He sees your circumstances or relationships.