The New Loneliness: Nurturing Connection When You Feel IsolatedSample

Day 7: The Loneliness of Independence: Embracing the Beauty of Community

My default mode has always been to surround myself with friends. But I realize not all people are like that. I know many are guarded because of past hurts from others, and I know some people have temperaments that prefer to have fewer people around so they have time to think.

One woman told me, “I’d prefer to think through issues myself rather than have someone constantly asking if I’m okay and want to talk about it. We don’t all operate the same way.”

Sometimes it feels like there’s safety in running into our emotional cave and keeping others out so we can be alone with our thoughts. And that’s okay, as long as we realize God is right there with us to help us process our thoughts. But there are also dangers to navigating life on our own, especially when we’re struggling. And God didn’t intend for us to isolate, operate independently, or suffer alone outside the support and encouragement of other believers.

The Dangers of Isolation

Proverbs 27:17 tells us, “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.” And Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 says, "Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor; for if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion. But woe to the one who falls when there is not another to lift him up! Furthermore, if two lie down together they keep warm, but how can one be warm alone? And if one can overpower him who is alone, two can resist him. A cord of three strands is not quickly torn apart."

Our culture tells us to be independent and strong and to depend on no one. But remember that Satan wants nothing more than for you to move increasingly further away from the body of Christ and to believe God’s church is no longer relevant to your life.

Finding Your "Sameness"

What is the commonality with a friend that you need in your life right now? Someone with children the age of your children? Someone who has been married about as long as you? Someone who is experiencing an empty nest and struggling with it? Someone who has never been married and is adjusting to what might be singlehood for life? Maybe you crave connection with someone who can relate to your health situation. Or perhaps you need to connect with someone who understands the wounds you’re still working through. Sometimes, it’s necessary to cultivate new friendships in different seasons of life because of the sameness you crave, and the wealth of wisdom, experience, or just plain friendship someone else can offer who has been there or is there now too.

Here is how to find sameness in this season of your life so you don’t have to live with continued loneliness.

1. Surround yourself with growing believers.

If you aren’t already in a small group where you can grow and connect with others in your same stage of life, find a Bible-teaching church that offers small groups or start one in your sphere of influence (your workplace, neighborhood, or among your friends). When you take the time to become involved with a group of like-minded believers who want to grow in their faith, you can’t help but grow with them.

2. Seek one or two accountability partners to help you grow.

We each need fine-tuning friends to help us keep running our faith race when we start to grow weary. You need a friend or two to encourage you when you feel alone and to help you discern God’s voice from the enemy’s or your own. You also need someone who is willing to ask you the difficult questions so you don’t falter in your faith walk.

3. Start pouring into others, and God will pour into you.

I learned in my early thirties that if I wanted spiritual mentors, or mature godly women to pour themselves into me, I had to start pouring myself into others. I was the youngest woman physically and likely the oldest woman spiritually at the first church my husband pastored. I was also a young mom who was feeling overwhelmed and needed mature believers to pour themselves into me. Yet God seemed to be prodding me to reach out and be that “older woman” spiritually to everyone around me, and to trust that He would take care of the rest. And He did. It wasn’t long before He surrounded me with spiritual mentors to guide me during that season of life. Sometimes He waits for us to make the first move, and then as we seek to fill others, He sends others to fill us.

You can survive any kind of loneliness, my dear friend—including the new loneliness—because of the strength and resilience you have by being one who keeps your eyes on Jesus, and faithfully pours into others as you trust God to keep pouring into you.

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We hope this plan was helpful to you. You can read more from Cindi McMenamin in her book, The New Loneliness.

*The full report from the U.S. Surgeon General can be found here: https://public3.pagefreezer.com/browse/HHS.gov/02-01-2024T03:56/https://www.hhs.gov/about/news/2023/05/03/new-surgeon-general-advisory-raises-alarm-about-devastating-impact-epidemic-loneliness-isolation-united-states.html (emphasis added).