A brutally honest moment

Today I want to share a very personal story with you.

Our son Zac, who passed away in March this year, was born as a completely healthy baby, full of life and joy. But when he was just 10 months old, we had to rush him to the ER with a viral infection. Zac was immediately admitted to the ICU, where he stayed for 64 days.

The first days were extremely traumatic and stressful because Zac was in an induced coma, and we had no idea how bad his condition was until he woke up.

I distinctly remember walking through the hospital corridors on one of those early days, headphones in, worship music playing.

The song "Nothing Else" by Cody Carnes came on, and I broke down when I heard this part:

Oh, I'm not here for blessings
Jesus, You don't owe me anything.
More than anything that You can do, I just want You

I felt this roar deep inside of me, shouting, “You owe me a healthy child! If You don’t heal Zac, I want nothing to do with You!”

It was an "older-brother-moment."

A part of me felt that, having lived as a missionary for many years, devoting my life to my husband’s worship ministry and having given up so much for the Kingdom, God owed me that healing.

I was like the older brother in the parable of the Prodigal Son, who told his father, “Look! All these years I’ve been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders” (Luke 15:29 NIV).

I didn’t want Jesus for who He is, but for what He could offer me–healing for my son.

I was shocked by the brutal honesty of my outcry, but even more so by the state of my own heart. The self-righteousness that had crept into my spiritual life became painfully clear during that split second of raw emotions.

I prayed this prayer and, if you like, you can pray it too:

God, I’m sorry! I want to want YOU and only You. Help me and teach me to love You for who You are, not for what You can do for me.

Hey! You are a Chamatkar.

Jenny Mendes