Leading Your Kids Through Difficult EmotionsMuestra

Disappointment

Disappointment is one of the most difficult forms of emotional pain. It is also one of the most difficult to deal with in our children. What makes it so difficult is its intensity. We experience disappointment when we expect something to happen, but it doesn’t. The more we have anticipated enjoyment or relief from our expectations, the stronger the disappointment will be when it doesn’t happen. Proverbs 13:12 tells us that “Hope deferred makes a heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.” Disappointment is “hope deferred.”

We often hold expectations that we don’t know about until we feel disappointed, so the surprise element also adds to the intensity. Children are less self-aware than adults and feel their emotions more intensely, so the surprise of disappointment and the intensity of the feeling produce extreme expressions and behaviors in our kids that are annoying to us as parents.

Disappointment in our kids usually shows up as rapid overreacting to a change. What seems like a minor bump in the road to us as adults is a huge deal to our kids who haven’t yet learned the mental flexibility to adapt expectations and feelings to the changes that life often requires. However, every disappointment is an opportunity for us to teach our kids flexibility and healthy expression and help them develop a feeling of agency in their own lives.

Two examples in scripture of deep disappointment are Elijah in 1 Kings 19:1-18 and Mary of Bethany in John 11:1-7, 17-35. In Elijah’s story, we see God gently lead Elijah and meet both his emotional needs and his physical needs when he was disappointed by King Ahab and Queen Jezebel’s response to God on Mount Carmel. In Mary’s story, we see her disappointment that Jesus didn’t come right away to heal her brother Lazarus but let him die. Jesus had compassion for Mary’s hurt and disappointment. He didn’t punish or shame her for her strong feelings, just like God showed compassion to Elijah with his strong feelings. As parents, we receive compassion and care from God in our disappointments, and in turn, compassion and care are what we give our children to lead them through their strong feelings.

Our goal for our kids when it comes to dealing with disappointment is very similar to anger:

1. Recognize when they feel disappointed

2. Express their disappointment with words and without sinning against God and others, and

3. Express what expectation was not met and what compromise or new option they want to ask to make plans for

As parents, the process is the same as with anger:

1. Name our child’s disappointment when we see it expressed until they begin to name it themselves

2. Help our child connect their feelings to the unmet expectation by gently asking, “what were you expecting or wanting that didn’t happen?”

3. Teach our children to look for a compromise or alternative desire to work to meet, and ask nicely for what they want

4. Model this to our children by expressing our own disappointment calmly and respectfully, demonstrating flexibility and willingness to calmly change plans, and asking for compromises and alternatives