Henry Cloud & John Townsend - Life JourneySample

Wasted Pain

The Bible says that if we do not confront people to take ownership of their problems, we too are held accountable (see Leviticus 19:17; Ezekiel 3:17–21; 33:1–9). When we fail to confront others about their behavior, they suffer “bad pain.” Bad pain comes from repeating old patterns and avoiding the consequences that could motivate change.

Many times people suffer because of their own character flaws. Others then comfort them or give them a spiritual pep talk about how God is with them in this testing. “Keep the faith,” these supporters say, “and God will reward you for persevering.” The problem is that these supporters don’t tell the sufferers that the suffering is the fruit of their own character and is worthless unless they see it as a wake-up call. This is false martyrdom.

For example, it happens when the divorce recovery group comes to the aid of the “victim” of a “bad ex” instead of making the person see their unhealthy patterns to keep from repeating them in a new marriage. It happens when a person loses a job because of performance issues and friends and family offer support as a “victim” of a bad boss or company. The friends would do well to say instead, “Have you thought about what is true about what they said? Have you thought about how you might be responsible for losing these jobs or for the bad reviews that you have gotten? Have you thought about the fact that you are the common denominator with all of those ‘bad’ bosses?”

Bad pain is basically wasted pain. It is the pain we go through to avoid the good pain of growth.