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RESTORING TRUST IN MARRIAGE
If you and your spouse are struggling to put your marriage back together after walking through the pain and devastation of infidelity, take heart. Remember that, with God’s help, Nehemiah and his compatriots were enabled to accomplish the near-impossible: after sixty years in exile, they returned to Judah and rebuilt the wall of Jerusalem out of a pile of scorched rubble. In the same way, you can restore trust, confidence, and mutual affection to your relationship by relying on God’s loving kindness and making a solid commitment to the task at hand. It’s never too late to start over if both of you are humble, patient, and gracious in your dealings with one another.
Must bear in mind that there are no quick solutions to the problem you’re facing. The affair that shattered your marriage probably wasn’t an isolated event. In all likelihood, it was simply the last step in a hundred-step process. It took years to dismantle your relationship, and you can’t expect to rebuild it in a single day. Restoring trust takes time. It’s a process that requires both an accurate understanding and an appropriate application of the principle of forgiveness. But you can’t begin to move in this direction until you know what the words trust and forgiveness really mean.
Trust is something that has to be earned. It’s a mistake to assume that a person is worthy of trust simply because he’s expressed remorse and you’ve offered him forgiveness. That’s just the beginning. Trust can be broken fairly quickly, but the restoration process can be lengthy and tedious. This is especially true when there has been an affair. Infidelity is an offense that cuts right to the heart of a marriage.
When you’ve been wounded this deeply, it’s difficult to trust again unless you can see tangible evidence that things are going to be different in the future. So if you’re the spouse taking the initiative to restore the relationship, look for change and insist on seeing it implemented before moving forward. At the same time, don’t make unrealistic demands. Depending on the seriousness of the offense, you might reasonably expect the following responses from your partner:
1) A willingness to take personal responsibility for the damage done without shifting blame or adopting evasive tactics.
2) A determination to come up with a precise and definitive plan designed to prevent further offenses.
3) A commitment to join you in seeking Christian counseling. This would include an active resolve to sort through all problematic issues and to make all the necessary changes.
4) Patience and forbearance in allowing the wounded spouse the time necessary to heal without undue pressure.
Forgiveness, too, is a frequently misunderstood concept. Many people seem to believe that forgiving means one of the following:
1) Condoning or excusing the offense.
2) Forgetting past abuses or injustices.
3) Minimizing or justifying negative behavior.
4) Immediately trusting the offender again.
By way of contrast, true biblical forgiveness is not a matter of overlooking offenses or sweeping them under the rug. Instead it means:
1) Giving up unhealthy anger which is often expressed as bitterness, spite, rage, the “silent treatment,” or revenge.
2) Turning both the offender and the offense over to God for His righteous judgment.
3) Making a commitment to work through the issues together until the root causes of the problem have been identified and resolved.
4) Actively rebuilding the relationship, brick by brick, on a foundation of solid trust.
Remember: forgiveness is not optional for the Christian. God requires that you forgive your spouse — “for if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses” (Matthew 6:15). So “be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving one another just as God in Christ has forgiven you” (Ephesians 4:32). If this is a struggle for you, begin by asking the Lord to help you in those areas where you’re finding it difficult to forgive. Sin is the obvious reason we hurt each other, but it isn’t always easy to get to the practical heart of the matter. For helpful insight into this aspect of the problem, we’d highly recommend that you and your spouse get a copy of R.T. Kendall’s excellent book Total Forgiveness and study it from cover to cover.
If you and your spouse are struggling to put your marriage back together after walking through the pain and devastation of infidelity, take heart. Remember that, with God’s help, Nehemiah and his compatriots were enabled to accomplish the near-impossible: after sixty years in exile, they returned to Judah and rebuilt the wall of Jerusalem out of a pile of scorched rubble. In the same way, you can restore trust, confidence, and mutual affection to your relationship by relying on God’s loving kindness and making a solid commitment to the task at hand. It’s never too late to start over if both of you are humble, patient, and gracious in your dealings with one another.
Must bear in mind that there are no quick solutions to the problem you’re facing. The affair that shattered your marriage probably wasn’t an isolated event. In all likelihood, it was simply the last step in a hundred-step process. It took years to dismantle your relationship, and you can’t expect to rebuild it in a single day. Restoring trust takes time. It’s a process that requires both an accurate understanding and an appropriate application of the principle of forgiveness. But you can’t begin to move in this direction until you know what the words trust and forgiveness really mean.
Trust is something that has to be earned. It’s a mistake to assume that a person is worthy of trust simply because he’s expressed remorse and you’ve offered him forgiveness. That’s just the beginning. Trust can be broken fairly quickly, but the restoration process can be lengthy and tedious. This is especially true when there has been an affair. Infidelity is an offense that cuts right to the heart of a marriage.
When you’ve been wounded this deeply, it’s difficult to trust again unless you can see tangible evidence that things are going to be different in the future. So if you’re the spouse taking the initiative to restore the relationship, look for change and insist on seeing it implemented before moving forward. At the same time, don’t make unrealistic demands. Depending on the seriousness of the offense, you might reasonably expect the following responses from your partner:
1) A willingness to take personal responsibility for the damage done without shifting blame or adopting evasive tactics.
2) A determination to come up with a precise and definitive plan designed to prevent further offenses.
3) A commitment to join you in seeking Christian counseling. This would include an active resolve to sort through all problematic issues and to make all the necessary changes.
4) Patience and forbearance in allowing the wounded spouse the time necessary to heal without undue pressure.
Forgiveness, too, is a frequently misunderstood concept. Many people seem to believe that forgiving means one of the following:
1) Condoning or excusing the offense.
2) Forgetting past abuses or injustices.
3) Minimizing or justifying negative behavior.
4) Immediately trusting the offender again.
By way of contrast, true biblical forgiveness is not a matter of overlooking offenses or sweeping them under the rug. Instead it means:
1) Giving up unhealthy anger which is often expressed as bitterness, spite, rage, the “silent treatment,” or revenge.
2) Turning both the offender and the offense over to God for His righteous judgment.
3) Making a commitment to work through the issues together until the root causes of the problem have been identified and resolved.
4) Actively rebuilding the relationship, brick by brick, on a foundation of solid trust.
Remember: forgiveness is not optional for the Christian. God requires that you forgive your spouse — “for if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses” (Matthew 6:15). So “be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving one another just as God in Christ has forgiven you” (Ephesians 4:32). If this is a struggle for you, begin by asking the Lord to help you in those areas where you’re finding it difficult to forgive. Sin is the obvious reason we hurt each other, but it isn’t always easy to get to the practical heart of the matter. For helpful insight into this aspect of the problem, we’d highly recommend that you and your spouse get a copy of R.T. Kendall’s excellent book Total Forgiveness and study it from cover to cover.
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About this Plan
Once you’ve captured a new vision for the future of your marriage, you’re ready for the nuts and bolts of bringing it back to life. The tools you’ll use are things like forgiveness, trust, and restoration. Much of that work will be between you and your spouse. But it’s crucial to start with God. It’s His grace that’ll transform your efforts into reconciliation and healing in your relationship.
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We would like to thank Focus on the Family for providing this plan. For more information, please visit: www.focusonthefamily.org
