Infidelity: Biblical/Practical QuestionsSample

CONFRONTING INFIDELITY OF A DEPLOYED SPOUSE Military deployments are hard on married couples under the best of circumstances. They can become almost unbearable when the spouse in service is discovered in an affair just prior to going overseas. Once he embarks, how does the “victim” deal with the fallout of his infidelity? How does she cope with her feelings during the long months when it’s difficult, if not impossible, to communicate with her husband? What is she supposed to do while awaiting his return? If this is your situation, you already know how painful it can be. You’re also aware that there isn’t much you can do to deal with the problem until your spouse returns from his tour of duty. Once he comes home, you’ll have an opportunity to talk with him face to face about the affair and to discuss your present relationship and the future of your marriage. Until then, you’ve got your work cut out for you on at least three different fronts: 1) you can wrestle with the problem on a spiritual level; 2) you can take care of yourself and work through your emotional reaction to your husband’s unfaithfulness; and 3) you can continue to care for him from a distance. In Hosea 2:6 and 7, God has this to say about His unfaithful spouse, the nation Israel: “Therefore, behold, I will hedge up your way with thorns, and wall her in, so that she cannot find her paths. She will chase her lovers but not overtake them; yes, she will seek them, but not find them. Then she will say, ‘I will go and return to my first husband, for then it was better for me than now.’” While your spouse is away, you need to claim these verses on his behalf. Go before the Lord and pray a hedge of protection around him. Ask God to keep him from further temptations and opportunities to sin. Intercede for him before the throne of grace. Not only is this critical to the condition of his heart, but it will also be important to your own spiritual and emotional healing. Another vital component of the healing process can be found in consultation with a licensed counselor. In your spouse’s absence, it’s critical that you find a therapist who can help you deal with your hurt and anger in a constructive way. Then, when your husband returns, present him with the need for and expectation that he will join you for some intensive counseling. In the meantime, you’re going to need a great deal of outside support and assistance to survive this difficult time in your life. Finally, while your husband’s deployment lasts, stay in touch with him to the best of your ability. Our friends in the military have advised against addressing his infidelity in your letters or e-mails since on-base disclosures can affect security. Instead, supply him with detailed information about you, your children (if you have any), and the situation on the home front. Keep the lines of communication open even when he doesn’t respond in kind. This will have the effect of reminding him of your commitment to the marriage relationship until the day he returns.