Learning To Let Go // Love, Hope, & ForgivenessSample

The Heart of Forgiveness

Lean in close. There, it is okay to feel hurt that you’ve been wronged. It is okay to feel. The thing you need to know now is what to do when you are hurting, and what not to do. Let me tell you what I mean. Let me tell you about what is required with forgiveness.

When you’ve been hurt, when someone has hurt you, I know you feel inclined to hide--to protect yourself. You want to find a place to tuck yourself away, convince yourself that you’re okay, especially if you feel, deep down, that you’re not. I want you to know that I’m here, in this place with you. I am where you are. I’m right here.

Or, it feels good to hurt the other person back. Be on the attack. Make them pay the price of the pain they’ve caused. Retaliate. Make them think about what they’ve done. Dig in—with words, with aggression, or with withdrawal: emotional or physical or both.

Now, whether you choose passivity or aggression to deal with your pain, your goal is self-protection. You’ve been hurt, and you’re now trying to do whatever it takes to keep yourself safe, and to help your heart heal. So, because it feels unsafe to do anything else, you build a bunker. Yes, you are vulnerable, scared, fragile. You are hurt. But a bunker? You can’t stay here. The walls might be thick, but they’re insecure. They might shield you from future pain, for a little while, but they’ll also prevent you from feeling love, too.

All around you are the cracks in the wall—the fault lines where crumbling can begin. Oh, you wish these walls were thicker. You wish they were stronger. How can you forgive what has been done? Your objective, whether you own it or not, is to keep out the world, protect this heart of yours that is tired of hurting, tired of feeling, tired of being vulnerable. You want it to be defended! You don’t want to be hurt anymore! 

How can you possibly forgive what has been done to you? Where is the One who will protect your heart, you wonder? Where is the One who will come and bring rescue, come to be help, come to put their arm around your shoulder, look you in the eye and say, I know, I know, I know? How Jesus, can I forgive? When the pain is so great? How? How? How?

Yes, I know forgiveness feels risky, perilous, unwise even. To ask for my help in softening your heart toward those who’ve wronged you . .. well, it feels too much to ask. Not when they’ve hurt you so deeply. I know. I know.

But you must. You must. If you want your heart to be whole. If you want your heart to be mine. I am not saying you need to continue to put yourself in situations where you are being hurt again. You shouldn’t. Boundaries must be drawn. But you must forgive. Forgive the person who has hurt you. Forgive and let your heart soften. Forgive and be kind. Forgive and watch what I do when I draw you out, helping you to trust me--my good plans for you.

You know I know about forgiveness. You know I know what it takes to do it. You know I know how it breaks your heart and requires a strength more than your own to keep going. Forgiveness is the love of my Father. Forgiveness is the heart of love. Forgiveness requires a breaking—a breaking of the old heart—so a new heart in you can grow.

I know it hurts now, but it is time to get out of the bunker. I will protect you. I know it will be hard. But I am your heart. Your new heart. Here, receive it. It is the only way you can forgive.

It is so good, on the other side. The light of forgiveness on your face. Your new heart growing, growing strong.

Exercise:

In the book,The Secret of Lasting Forgiveness, author Bruce Wilkinson addresses the “hidden connection between unforgiveness and torment.” Until we have forgiven the people who have wronged us, Wilkinson explains, we are not free; we are unable to enjoy peace. So, God draws us toward forgiveness because it’s good for the people we need to forgive—but also, and very importantly, because it’s good for us, too. Being forgiving is a better way to live because it brings the person who forgives freedom and peace.

You are likely familiar with Jesus’ stance on forgiveness. Once, when the Apostle Peter approached Jesus, asking Him how many times he needs to forgive a fellow believer who keeps offending him, Peter guesses what he thinks is a large number: seven times. But Jesus answers, “Not seven times, Peter, but seventy times seven times!” Meaning: every time. And then Jesus illustrates what he means by sharing a parable. I’ll read it now. 

“The kingdom of God is like a king who decided to square accounts with his servants. As he got under way, one servant was brought before him who had run up a debt of a hundred thousand dollars. He couldn’t pay up, so the king ordered the man, along with his wife, children, and goods, to be auctioned off at the slave market. The poor wretch threw himself at the king’s feet and begged, ‘Give me a chance and I’ll pay it all back.’ Touched by his plea, the king let him off, erasing the debt.”

“The servant was no sooner out of the room when he came upon one of his fellow servants who owed him ten dollars. He seized him by the throat and demanded, ‘Pay up. Now!’ The poor wretch threw himself down and begged, ‘Give me a chance and I’ll pay it all back.’ But he wouldn’t do it. He had him arrested and put in jail until the debt was paid. When the other servants saw this going on, they were outraged and brought a detailed report to the king.”

“The king summoned the man and said, ‘You evil servant! I forgave your entire debt when you begged me for mercy. Shouldn’t you be compelled to be merciful to your fellow servant who asked for mercy?’ The king was furious and put the screws to the man until he paid back his entire debt.” But that’s not the end, because Jesus then adds these words: “that’s exactly what my Father in heaven is going to do to each one of you who doesn’t forgive unconditionally anyone who asks for mercy.”

Wow. There is no easy way around this, is there? Just like Father God has forgiven our sins, we must also forgive the people who have wronged us. And if we refuse, we subject ourselves to pain and heartache. According to Eugene Peterson’s translation of the Bible, which I just read, the unforgiving servant had “the screws put to him.” Other translations say he was turned over to the prison guards to be tortured until all his debt was repaid.

So, when we forgive, like God forgives, we are able to access freedom and peace. And when we refuse, just like the unforgiving servant surrendered his freedom and peace; we surrender ours too. Bruce Wilkinson explains, “unforgiveness is always accompanied by suffering of some kind”—suffering for the person unwilling to forgive! We deliver ourselves into “suffering if we do not forgive others from our hearts.”

Now, I know, forgiving is hard—especially when we’re talking about our deepest hurts. It’s hard because forgiveness comes from our hearts—we forgive with our hearts—but the heart is where we feel those deep hurts. And that’s why we must surrender our hearts to God, if we want freedom from hurt and resentment and bitterness and anger and rage. It’s why we must surrender our hearts if we want peace.

I also want to add here, forgiving doesn’t mean relinquishing boundaries. Healthy boundaries are crucial when dealing with someone who’s likely to hurt us again, in the future. As Bruce Wilkinson clarifies in his book, “Forgiveness focuses on past wounds, not future relationships.” So, the act of forgiving does not require that we have any kind of future relationship with the person we’re forgiving. We might continue such a relationship, of course—or we might forgive the person and still continue maintaining a healthy boundary.

Let’s pause, and let me ask you this: Who has wounded you most deeply? Think of that person now. 

How is your heart toward this person? Soft or hard? Open or closed?

Can you imagine forgiving this person?

Forgiveness is hard because it requires trust and courage. But you are made for this. So let’s start at the beginning. Let’s start the process of forgiving by first acknowledging your hurt. You’ll never get to freedom and peace if you deny, deflect, minimize, or ignore your pain. So, I want you, if you can, to name the way this person has hurt you—simply and plainly.

Another reason why forgiveness is challenging is that it requires compassion. We saw, in Jesus’ parable, the king was moved to compassion—and to forgiveness—after the servant fell down, showing humility and remorse. It’s always easier to be compassionate when someone has demonstrated humility and remorse, isn’t it?

But it doesn’t always work that way, does it? 

Most times we have to surrender our wounded hearts to God—and ask Him for help, ask for His power and love to flow through us—in order for us to find the compassion we need when our hearts are still raw and hurting. This is not typically something we can do on our own.

Consider what it would look like for you to feel compassion for the person who hurt you—despite what they did and whether they deserve it or not.

Let’s ask Jesus for help now. Let’s surrender our hearts, surrender our hurt. Let’s ask Him to help us find compassion. Let’s ask Him to help us forgive.

Pray with me.

Jesus, I need your help. You know my past. You know how this person hurt me. You know the depth of my wounds. I want to be free from them. I want to know peace. I don’t want to harbor unforgiveness in my heart any longer. I want to find compassion, and I want to forgive. But I cannot do it on my own. I need Your love in me to love. I need Your power in me, in order to forgive. So, I ask for that now. I trust you with my heart. And I ask that you fill me with Your Spirit and Your Power. Help me forgive this person. Amen.

And now, here in God’s presence, just as you named the way this person has hurt you, I invite you to try to forgive him or her for the thing or the things you named.

Take a deep breath now. What you just did was huge. It was powerful. It was life-changing, actually. And it wasn’t easy. Forgiveness is never easy. But it is good. And you will never be the same.

Remember what we just heard in the message: “Yes, I know forgiveness feels risky, perilous, unwise even. To ask for my help in softening your heart toward those who’ve wronged you . . . well, it feels too much to ask. Not when they’ve hurt you so deeply. I know. I know.

But you must. You must. If you want your heart to be whole. If you want your heart to be mine. I am not saying you need to continue to put yourself in situations where you are being hurt again. You shouldn’t. Boundaries must be drawn. But you must forgive. Forgive the person who has hurt you. Forgive and let your heart soften. Forgive and be kind. Forgive and watch what I do when I draw you out, helping you to trust me—my good plans for you.”

Jesus, I am here with You now. And I ask you to comfort my broken heart. Heal it. It is open and soft, now. It is open and soft toward You, because I trust You and I trust Your way. You are good. You are strong. And I trust You to protect me from now on. 

In Your name, Amen.