Calming AngerSample

You've Gotta Express It

The first major mountain I ever climbed was a 12,340-foot volcano with a strange name: Agua, which means “water” in Spanish.

The volcano has been dormant for hundreds of years, but that didn’t keep it from wiping out an entire city. On September 10, 1541, after weeks of rain, the entire crater of the dormant volcano had filled with water and turned into a giant lake. The side of the volcano couldn’t hold the pressure anymore and collapsed. A giant river of mud and water washed down the side of the volcano, destroying the city below. An inactive volcano destroyed a city!

That’s a pretty good picture of what happens when we don’t learn to express our anger. Anger doesn’t just go away. If it isn’t expressed it’ll just build up—like a lake. But at some point the pressure has to be released and, if it’s out of control, it can become a destructive force.

That's why it’s so important to express anger in a healthy, controlled way. 

Sometimes we think that to be a loving person we just have to absorb or passively accept what bothered us and never say anything about it. But you can speak the truth about how something bothered you and still be loving and forgiving. The key is, you need to decide beforehand that you’ll forgive and let it go, even if they respond negatively when you share how an action affected you.  

When the Apostle Paul says, “In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold. (Ephesians 4:26, NIV) he’s talking about the importance of releasing anger correctly, so it doesn’t cause harm or let resentment build. 

Anger is secondary emotion, but to properly express it we have to express what we felt right before we got angry. Primary emotions are words like “embarrassed, ignored, attacked, belittled.” 

When you feel yourself getting angry, take some time to calm down, then figure out what you felt right before you got angry. Express that emotion. “I felt ________.” Don’t blame. Just express how it made you feel before you felt anger. Remember, they probably didn’t intend to make you mad. If your kids aren’t old enough to process what you’re saying, you may just need to be content with a little more self-knowledge. But armed with that knowledge, you can use that skill to help your kids process their own emotions of anger. 

Don’t let your anger build into something destructive. Stay calm, choose your words carefully, but make sure you express what you felt right before you got angry. Release the pressure. Then replace that feeling with forgiveness.