Devoted to Your HusbandSample

FROM FACTS TO FEELINGS

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As soon as Isaac had finished blessing Jacob, when Jacob had scarcely gone out from the presence of Isaac his father, Esau his brother came in from his hunting. He also prepared delicious food and brought it to his father. And he said to his father, “Let my father arise and eat of his son’s game, that you may bless me.” His father Isaac said to him, “Who are you?” He answered, “I am your son, your firstborn, Esau.” Then Isaac trembled very violently and said, “Who was it then that hunted game and brought it to me, and I ate it all before you came, and I have blessed him? Yes, and he shall be blessed.” As soon as Esau heard the words of his father, he cried out with an exceedingly great and bitter cry and said to his father, “Bless me, even me also, O my father!” But he said, “Your brother came deceitfully, and he has taken away your blessing.” Esau said, “Is he not rightly named Jacob? For he has cheated me these two times. He took away my birthright, and behold, now he has taken away my blessing.” Then he said, “Have you not reserved a blessing for me?” Isaac answered and said to Esau, “Behold, I have made him lord over you, and all his brothers I have given to him for servants, and with grain and wine I have sustained him. What then can I do for you, my son?” Esau said to his father, “Have you but one blessing, my father? Bless me, even me also, O my father.” And Esau lifted up his voice and wept.

Then Isaac his father answered and said to him:

“Behold, away from the fatness of the earth shall your dwelling be,
and away from the dew of heaven on high.
By your sword you shall live,
and you shall serve your brother;
but when you grow restless
you shall break his yoke from your neck.”

Now Esau hated Jacob because of the blessing with which his father had blessed him, and Esau said to himself, “The days of mourning for my father are approaching; then I will kill my brother Jacob.” But the words of Esau her older son were told to Rebekah. So she sent and called Jacob her younger son and said to him, “Behold, your brother Esau comforts himself about you by planning to kill you. Now therefore, my son, obey my voice. Arise, flee to Laban my brother in Haran and stay with him a while, until your brother’s fury turns away— until your brother’s anger turns away from you, and he forgets what you have done to him. Then I will send and bring you from there. Why should I be bereft of you both in one day?”

-Genesis 27:30-45

Reflect

Alienation from and between their children was the result of the deceptive practices of Isaac and Rebekah. Who was to blame for their communication fiasco? Looking at the story as a whole, we can conclude that Isaac failed to share his goals with his wife while Rebekah was not forthright with her husband.

When it came to their physical interaction, however, the Bible indicates they communicated very well. Midway in their marriage, Isaac and Rebekah moved for a time to Gerar where we get a glimpse of the physical passion they shared (Genesis 26:8). You may have heard the joke, “What’s the second thing your military husband takes off when he comes in from field duty? His rucksack.” Your husband might be quick to communicate physically, but it may take more time to share his feelings.

The goal for healthy marriage communication is to complete the journey from facts to feelings. The most basic level of communication is sharing facts and ideas. Think small talk. This is not deep—on the order of “How was your day?”—but such communication connects you to one another as you inform each other about life outside of your relationship.

Sharing facts can only take you so far; you must be willing to share thoughts and ideas. This level of communication becomes more risky and could lead to disagreement and judgment. Trust grows as a couple is willing to hear opinions, discuss differences, and remain open to hearing another view.

The most effective communication is to be able to share feelings and needs. Communication on this level opens the door to understanding. Marriage experts Gary and Barbara Rosberg compare this to exploring a cave “with a vast labyrinth of underground caverns someone could spend a lifetime exploring . . . every step, every turn in the labyrinth, every new day of exploration yields surprises and challenges too good to miss.” The journey to deep, heartfelt communication will not be easy, but the discoveries will be worth the effort.

Respond

Consider these sure communication killers. Check any you have used with your husband in the last month:

• overgeneralizations (always, never)
• derogatory names
• ridicule and sarcasm
• offensive comments
• the silent treatment

Relationship specialist John Gottman instructs couples to work toward a ratio of five positive interactions to every one negative. Positive interactions include such relationship builders as a smile, a touch, changing the course of negative conversation, and positive, affectionate, encouraging comments. Consider the ratio of communication killers to relationship builders in your marriage. How does your marriage math add up?

Prayer

Lord, help my marriage to be built on wisdom and established through understanding (Proverbs 24:3). Amen.