Aftershock - Why Does He Do What He Does?Sample

How It Begins: Lack of Connection or Intimacy Disorder

In an online TED Talk titled “Everything You Think You Know About Addiction Is Wrong,” author Johann Hari explains that the opposite of addiction is a real and caring human connection.

The term intimacy disorder describes a deep and pervasive lack of connection. An intimacy “disorder” is a stunted ability or emotional pattern that makes it difficult to establish close, authentic, or vulnerable relationships. This condition not only limits a person’s ability to have empathy for others and connect emotionally with them on a day-by-day basis, but it can also affect the sexual relationship with one’s spouse.

In some cases, the varied interpersonal challenges associated with intimacy issues may meet the criteria for diagnosable mental-health conditions known to strongly affect relationships, including social anxiety, attachment disorder, and various personality disorders.

However, individuals without these diagnosable conditions can also experience intimacy problems. That’s why it’s important for you and your spouse to see a well-trained professional who can look at the whole picture.

Intimacy problems can affect your husband sexually, as well as emotionally and spiritually. Because God made us to thrive and grow in connected, safe relationships, when things go awry relationally, a deep personal shame sets in. Toxic shame whispers in a person’s head, I’m bad. I’m unworthy. I’m unlovable.

From these feelings of badness or shame come various ever-present forms of self-protection that skew a person’s self-esteem and view of life. It’s not hard to imagine how this way of living inhibits healthy intimacy and leads to disordered or false intimacies; that is, fleeting but “safe” escapes and substitutes for intimacy, such as pornography or prostitution.

Of course, these lustful escapes are anything but “safe.” Yet to an individual who feels threatened or insecure with being vulnerable and deeply known, they provide a cocoon of “false safety” since no emotional demands or true personal sacrifice are placed on them by these forms of so-called pleasure.

Next, we’ll look at abuse and neglect.