Loving Through ListeningSample

The Importance of Naming

Quite possibly the kindest and most helpful thing you can do for someone is to name for them what you have just heard and witnessed as they’ve shared with you. I remember when I shared a painful story with someone and they simply said, “That is so hard.” I felt heard and joined in my sadness, and that they were feeling along with me (empathy).

Here are a few examples of naming what you’ve heard:

• I hear how heartbreaking and painful that must be. It sounds really lonely.
• Your body has been feeling and carrying a lot.
• That sounds devastating.
• You have endured much _____ (heartache, stress, uncertainty, loneliness, being left out, pain, sorrow, loss, waiting…).

Responses like these help us stay with them in their story and invite more!

When something is accurately named, the body already knows it. (This is how attunement works.) So it can feel like a relief and a kindness to have someone else bear witness to what you know is true, but might not be able to put words to. Sometimes it’s a willingness to name hard things.

• It sounds as if you’ve had to make yourself small.
• I hear such loneliness. (and I feel sad for that little girl/boy.)
• There was so little care for you.

Naming it sometimes invites the person to feel what they weren’t allowed to feel in the midst of the situation, opening the door for it to be grieved, which can bring significant healing. Naming the themes of what you are hearing in their story can bring clarity and perspective, stripping it of its power.

• I hear a lot of pain (fear, loneliness, etc.) in your story.
• It sounds like you weren’t allowed to be angry (sad, disappointed, happy, etc.)
• It seems like you have been trained to hold all of that inside.
• It sounds like it is hard for you to allow yourself to be seen and to receive care. And I hear the loneliness in that.
• Have you been able to name that this was abuse (or betrayal, abandonment, neglect, assault, diminishment, a bind)?

When we courageously and kindly name something we see in someone and in their story, we offer them a gift of joining them right where they are and shining a light in the darkness. Naming honors hearts, minds, souls, and bodies as they have endured much. It gives words to what may have gone unnamed, unacknowledged, untended, uncared for, ungrieved, and unhealed.

To offer this way of listening and naming, without judgment or blame, is a practice and skill that can be developed as we seek to care well for others. I have experienced how healing it feels to have someone name what they witness in my story. In those moments, I have felt less alone.

We were created to care for the people around us this way. May an awareness of the significance of naming help you to cultivate the practice of naming what you see and hear in others’ stories that might help bring deeper clarity, understanding, and healing. And as you grow in discerning when and how to name things you hear and see in another’s story, may that help them explore, discover, uncover, and untangle things that may shed light on what they’ve experienced, inviting healing, freedom, and life.

As you ponder all this with God today, ask Him:

Father, where in my story has someone named something for me that they’ve seen in my story?

Jesus, when someone has named something for me, with curiosity and without judgment, how did it feel for me?

Spirit, show me where naming something in my story has brought deeper clarity, understanding, and healing.