Making Marriage Meaningful Through Conflict Resolution Sample

Fair Fighting Part II:

Welcome back for day four of our study. Today we will be talking about additional ways to resolve conflict with our spouse.

Listen Up & Ask Questions:

Fighting fair means listening so we can understand our spouse. We should provide our undivided attention, instead of waiting for our turn to speak. If you use your silence as a way to prepare your next response, you may be a good debater, but it doesn’t make you a good listener. Did you know you can listen with your eyes? 80% of communication is non-verbal. A good listener will observe body language, gestures, and facial expressions. I strive to be a student of my spouse. This desire to understand him makes for a much more meaningful relationship. Discover how your spouse communicates what's on their heart. Gentleness will help you listen without defensiveness. When you're the listener, your facial expressions are just as important. This is so challenging for me! I actually have to say to myself, “Manage your face Debra.”

I love how Jesus asked questions to gain access to the hearts of those seeking after Him. Questions increase understanding for both parties. We can start off by saying, “My heart is to better understand you.” Stating upfront the intention to better understand can really help to reduce defensiveness. We can also say, “Am I hearing you correctly?” and then restate the concern. There are times when we misinterpret what our spouse is trying to communicate. If our spouse’s communication style is completely different from our own, we may be surprised at how easily a misunderstanding can arise. Don’t assume, ask. Ask them how they believe something could be done differently, then really listen to their point of view. For example, “When I did (fill in the blank), how did that make you feel?” Questions can help us build intimacy with our loved one.

The Word instructs us to be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger (James 1:19).James gives us qualities that are the cornerstone of having a teachable spirit and being a better communicator.

Meditate:

●Proverbs 18:2 (NIV): “Fools find no pleasure in understanding but delight in airing their own opinions.”

●James 1:5 (NIV): “If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.”

Grant and Ask for Forgiveness:

We probably all know someone who has an impossible time saying, “I’m sorry, I was wrong, will you please forgive me?” or someone who struggles to accept an apology. Unforgiveness is like a stubborn string at the end of a blanket. The enemy wants to pull that string and watch the fabric of your marriage unravel. Conflicts can produce anger. It took me many years to discover that anger is a secondary emotion. I’ve learned to go deeper into the pain behind the anger. This allows me to discover where healing needs to take place. Being angry with your spouse isn’t a sin, but harboring anger and reacting badly is. Be assured, forgiveness is NOT saying your pain or disappointment isn’t valid. We can forgive while still desiring behaviors to change.

For some people, getting to a place of forgiveness takes a little more time. When we’ve offended our spouse, acknowledged our wrongdoing, and are waiting to be forgiven, it’s helpful to recognize the deeper the wound and the more frequent the offense occurs (such as a hurtful pattern), the longer it’s going to take our spouse to forgive. It can do further damage to shame or guilt our partners into forgiving us on our time schedule. This doesn’t provide a safe space for our spouse to process their pain. Sometimes it requires us to be willing to sit in the discomfort we’ve created while we patiently wait for our partner to forgive us. This is beyond difficult. This may be where we get tempted to minimize and justify our offense. It’s really easy for pride to slip in and drive a wedge between us and our spouse. If we feel this happening, it’s helpful to seek counsel and prayer with godly friends.

A tree’s root is the source of its growth. Unforgiveness in marriage is the root that grows bitterness. Our marriages can't live with dead roots. Forgiveness is not always easy. It’s an act of our will; it’s a choice. Our feelings and our intention to forgive aren’t always in sync. We need to be patient with ourselves and our spouses. The head and the heart take time to connect. Give it time, as God will allow the feelings to eventually follow.

Meditate:

Ephesians 4:26–27 (NKJV): Be angry, and do not sin: do not let the sun go down on your wrath, nor give place to the devil.

Pray:

Dear Lord, conflict with my spouse is so painful and frustrating. Help me to rest in the bigger purpose, to find common ground, and to grow and stretch into Your image. Lord, I am called to forgive my spouse as You have forgiven me. This doesn’t always come naturally. Please help me to value unity and connection more than winning an argument. I love you Lord.