End the Stalemate: Disagreeing Without Destroying the RelationshipSample

Have a Conversation with Yourself First

When having a difficult conversation with a person, we often solely focus on the actual talk at the moment. Right before we sit down with a person, we think about what we most want to say and the best way to do so. It makes sense, right? Words once said can’t be taken back, and I need to think carefully about this interaction as it’s happening. And you are not wrong. However, before we talk with a spouse or roommate, we need to have a talk with ourselves. The pre-conversation is the one you have with yourself heading into the talk, which often surfaces fear, anger, bitterness, or hurt. If not addressed, all these heart emotions are carried into the conversation before a single word is uttered.

When reading the Scriptures, it doesn’t take long to discover the importance placed upon our heart, with over 500 references made concerning it. Why is the heart so important? The ancient writers who comprise the book of Proverbs boldly assert that the heart “determines the course of your life” (Proverbs 4:23, NLT), and just as water shows your reflection, our hearts reflect who we are (Proverbs 27:19). Keep in mind that when the Bible refers to our hearts, it’s not just the seat of our emotions. Rather, it’s equally your intellect, volition, and personality. In short, it’s all of you! For us to have engaging, compassionate, and civil conversations, we’ll have to make sure our hearts are ready even long before the conversation starts. Why? “For whatever is in your heart,” asserts Jesus, “determines what you say” (Matthew 12:34, NLT).

Let Jesus’ statement sink in for a moment. The attitude and emotions you have toward a person will bleed out into the conversation regardless of your attempts to hide them. If you feel contempt, anger, or disgust toward a person, then that person and anyone watching will pick up on it immediately.

What to do?

A mistake we easily make when locked in a disagreement with another person is a form of splitting, where we start to see others as all good or all bad. It’s easy to get tunnel vision, where we forget the good about the person and only think of how they are wrong or annoy us.

Today, we’ll do some heart work by reminding ourselves of the good about a person with whom we disagree. Make a list of 3–4 things you appreciate about your coworker, spouse, or church member, even while disagreeing. Then, the next time you talk, lead with those positive observations. “Hey, I know we disagree about politics, but have I told you how much I appreciate . . .”