Day 2: Encounter With Our Self

Over the next three days, the plan is to cover the three primary encounters we must face in solitude: An encounter with our self, an encounter with our enemy, and an encounter with our God.

First up, an encounter with our self.

When you go into solitude, rather than feeling happy or at peace, the first thing that often happens is what Father Thomas Keating called “the unloading of the unconscious.” Which is a way of saying whatever is down in you comes up, from the substrata to the surface of your heart.

Let me name a few of the most common feelings that come up in solitude:

First, exhaustion. It’s like our body has been running on adrenaline, and all of a sudden, it just goes out.

Second, fear. My mind can’t stop racing, and I find myself less praying and more worrying in God’s general direction.

Third, sadness. You begin to feel sadness well up inside you. It’s like your soul tells you what you need to grieve.

Fourth, anger. All your hurts come up, and you feel mad or bitter.

And finally, shame. In solitude, there’s nowhere to hide. And we often feel a profound sense of just how broken and in need of salvation we are.

One word for all these feelings is pain. In solitude, we encounter our pain. And when we go into solitude, what is down comes up.

And to get free of it, we have to face it.

How do we do this? As always, we apprentice under Jesus.

Matthew 26 describes the scene just a few hours before Jesus’ betrayal, arrest, illegal trial, torture, and murder. Jesus knows what’s coming, and we read that Jesus goes to the Garden of Gethsemane to pray and that “he began to be sorrowful and troubled.” Jesus goes to the place of pain. And he doesn’t distract himself from his pain. He meets God in his pain.

How? He follows three movements of the soul.

1. He gives God his feelings. “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death!” He just tells the Father how he feels: no filter, no edit, just his raw, uncut self, laid bare before God in lament.

2. He gives God his desires. “Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me.” Again, no filter. He’s just offering his desires to God.

3. He gives God his trust. “Yet not as I will, but as you will.” He comes to the place of surrender.

This is the pattern laid down by Jesus for his apprentices to follow: Go into solitude. Get away from the noise and distraction of ordinary life. Let yourself feel. Let whatever is in you come up. Whatever it is, let yourself feel it. Don’t run away to your distraction of choice. Stay with the pain; follow it all the way down to God.

For us as followers of Jesus, once we notice and name our inner life, then we can offer our feelings up to God for our transformation. How? By following the same three movements as Jesus: First, give God your feelings. Second, give God your desires. And then give God your trust. This is the pattern: Go to the place of pain and meet God there.

Many people fear the quiet. They are terrified of what’s under the surface and what may come up in solitude. But to quote Jesus’ often-repeated command: “Do not be afraid.” What you find waiting for you, deep in the dark of your soul, is love. The Jesus of the Trinity is there waiting to welcome you, love you, heal you, burn you clean, and set you free. In solitude, we experience being totally exposed, totally seen, totally known, and completely forgiven, accepted, and loved by God, just as we are.

So do not be afraid. Jesus is waiting for you in the quiet.