Singleness Isn’t “Lesser”

By: Meredith Cravens

“I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs—how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife—and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband. I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord."—1 Corinthians 7:32–35 (NIV)

The “highest calling” is to be a wife and mother.

How are you “putting yourself out there?”

Don’t expect God to send someone to knock on your front door. Have you considered online dating?

To say the least, the church has struggled to effectively minister to the single saint. When people say things like this to those who are single, their words may incite feelings of fear, shame, or inferiority. They also promote people to believe lies, such as, “God isn’t good,” “He’s holding out on me,” “I’m not desirable enough,” or “If I don’t make something happen, I’ll be alone.”

Should the idea of prolonged singleness in the body of Christ be stigmatized? Should a single who desires marriage be continually fixated on dating or finding a spouse? In 1 Corinthians 7, Paul designates both marriage and singleness as gifts from God and says that it’s good for the unmarried to remain single (verses 7–8).

Here the word “gift” refers to extraordinary powers and divine graces for particular services to the Lord and His church. And “good” can be understood as excellent, commendable, admirable, or praiseworthy. What conversations would sound different in our midst if both marriage and singleness were regarded as incredible gifts from our heavenly Father to be stewarded faithfully?

Paul exhorts the Corinthians not to seek or to look for an altered situation from what the Lord had currently assigned to them (1 Corinthians 7:17; 24; 26–27). It isn’t sinful to desire, pray for, or be open to pursuing marriage (1 Corinthians 7:28; Proverbs 18:22). The word used here (zētei: to seek after) implies a striving, demanding, requiring, or craving. Any good desire can become an idol (something we love or seek after more than the Lord) when we begin to see it as a need. It reminds me of what happened in Genesis, when Eve was deceived and ultimately chose to pursue for herself the one thing God didn’t give her (Genesis 3:1–6). We have this common human temptation to walk in unbelief and justify self-reliant means towards fulfilling a desire or securing a certain outcome for ourselves apart from the Lord’s will. I only have regrets when I think about the times I’ve resented or ignored the Lord long enough to chase an out-of-control desire.

Paul emphasized that the single Christian has the unique potential to be spared from the natural troubles and restrictions of marriage, while being undivided in their devotion to God (1 Corinthians 7:28; 32–35). I love this last appeal because it has everything to do with intimacy. Jesus is called our bridegroom and husband (Luke 5:34; 2 Corinthians 11:2). Anything He takes from us or holds back in His mysterious wisdom comes with an invitation to know Him more closely and trust Him more deeply. I’ve never been asked questions like: “How are you redeeming this time in your life for God’s glory?” or “What are you learning about God as a faithful husband to you right now?” These questions could stir up your single friends towards greater growth and faithfulness to God.

According to another epistle Paul wrote (Philippians 4:11–13), contentment is a learned secret where we can be happy in any and every situation. Speaking from prison (in a position of great poverty, social humility, and intense, legitimate physical need), he took time to share how he endured: through receiving supernatural strength through a relationship with Jesus. We can experience this same contentment that transcends all circumstances. We share in these mysteries of faith when we remain in communion with our Savior and when we worship Him through the raw realities of persistent pain, loss, or unmet longings. He always has more of Himself to give in comfort, provision, and power.

Wrestling with God regarding my own singleness, I’ve begged, rebelled, and made a fool of myself plenty of times . . . over decades. And because of God’s continued pursuit of my heart, I’ve repeatedly returned, repented, and surrendered to His tender mercies and faithful love. Unique doors have also opened for me that I wouldn’t have imagined in life and ministry all over the world, and I was able to run through them without hesitation precisely because I was single.

When we offer Him our desires, He always gives what’s best. We can always trust in Him!

Pause: If you’re married, do you currently consider your marriage as a gift that’s good? How can you grow in stewarding your marriage in this season? Can you identify any idols within your marriage or desires that have become demands? Have you thought about how you perceive singles within your influence? What could your questions and comments be teaching your single friends to believe about their singleness? What could they imply about your priorities for them based on the content of your interactions with them? How do these line up with God’s perspective of their singleness?

If you’re single, how are you currently perceiving your own singleness? How do you interact with your single friends about your singleness? Do you believe it to be a gift that’s good? Would you take some time to consider some of the lies you might believe about singleness? Have you elevated the desire for marriage to an idol in your life? Does it consume the majority of your thoughts, words, and actions? What friend(s) can you talk to about these things? What could it look like for your life to resemble the truths of God’s Word regarding your singleness?

Practice: If you’re married, celebrate the good gift of your marriage this week with your spouse. Share with each other some ways that your marriage either has or could start being used for God’s glory in your own lives, family, workplace, and community. Engage in a new kind of conversation with a single in your life. Ask them how they’re doing and how you can be praying for them with whatever is on their heart. Identify a strength you see or have noticed in their life. Build up their faith and encourage them towards faithfulness and intimacy with the Lord.

If you’re single, what’s one way you can strengthen your affection for your heavenly bridegroom this week? Have you ever gone on a “date” with the Lord? If not, try it! Turn off your phone and go somewhere (at home, outside, or in the city) that He’s met you before in an impactful way. Talk to Him about everything that’s in your heart—fears, desires, confusion, hurt, etc. Ask Him boldly for what you hope for, and choose to rest and trust in His perfect character and love for you in His answers when they come. Talk to your other single friends this week about specific and creative ways you can give Him glory together through your singleness.

Pray: Father, I lift up every marriage to You. Would You begin a new work and spark a new flame in these holy unions today? I pray that each spouse would see one another through Your eyes. I pray for humility and healing where it’s needed. I pray for godly repentance and the release of bitterness and unforgiveness. I pray for the desire for growth and against stagnation. I pray for courage to engage daily in meaningful relationship and to persevere in the mystery of becoming one flesh together. Please form in each spouse the character of Jesus, the fruit of Your Spirit, and the kind of love that can only come from Your life in them. Teach them to worship and honor You through their actions, words, thoughts, and desires towards one another. Raise them up to be Your examples for what Your holy purposes are in marriage, when two broken people are united in Jesus.

I lift up the single saints to You. Help them to be honest with You, to bring the depths of their hearts to You continually, and to allow You to supply the supernatural strength and comfort that’s needed to walk daily in Your divine will. Help them remain in faith in who You say You are, who You say they are, and Your good purposes for their lives. Unveil the opportunities of beautiful service, community, and contentment in You that You have for them right now. Draw them into greater depths of intimacy with You so they can be undivided in their devotion and wholehearted in their service. I pray You would help them dive deeper in relationship with one another so they spur each other on towards love and good works. Show them the gifts You’ve given them, give them courage to take steps of faith, and help them be expectant as they choose to worship and obey You one day at a time.

I lift up the entire body of Christ to You, both marrieds and singles together. Help us engage in edifying ministry towards one another and not withhold from one another the gifts You’ve given us to build us all up into maturity when we gather together. Would You break down the barriers that exists between our demographics? Let us trailblaze in the genuine display of unity within diversity, turning nonbelieving heads towards Your saving grace as we allow You to author Your redemption stories again and again in our midst. Make us one, as You are One, Holy Trinity. In Jesus’ name, I pray. Amen.