When Trials Come

Trials—from small annoyances to seasons of deep suffering—will test every marriage. But not every marriage will be shaped by them in the same way. The mark these trials leave on us ultimately depends upon our response when they come. An old saying goes, “The same sun that melts the wax hardens the clay”—the same circumstances that produce in one person resentment, bitterness, and anger toward God and their spouse will in another person end up strengthening their marriage and growing humility, patience, kindness, and greater dependence on Christ.

The book of Job opens with a disagreement in the heavens about how Job would react to a sustained season of deep trial. Satan expected him to curse God when his earthly blessings were removed. He was right—not about Job but about his wife, who advised Job to do just what Satan was aiming for (2 v 9-10). But Job ignored her advice and defied Satan’s expectations by clinging to his belief that God was, somehow, working for good: “When he has tried me, I shall come out like gold” (23 v 10).

Don’t miss what Satan was doing. In plunging this couple into turmoil, he was aiming to divide them from each other and then drag them from God. Job lost everything and then faced losing his marriage. And often so will we, when trials and testing come. Storms will shape your marriage—but how they shape it depends on your response to them and to each other. So here are three key truths to remember when they come.

YOUR SPOUSE IS NOT YOUR ENEMY

There have been times when I have viewed Sarah as my enemy (though at the time I wouldn’t have said that out loud or written it in a book). Because we process our trials differently, especially when we are both carrying overwhelming stress loads, it’s all too easy to take our frustrations out on each other. What used to be nothing more than minor annoyances are suddenly magnified when fears, disappointments, and hurts press us from all sides.

So we need to fight the temptation to turn against our husband or wife and see them as the enemy. We need to proactively counteract that mindset. How? You can take the initiative to do something kind, thoughtful, and generous for your spouse. Leave a note on the bathroom mirror that says something that you love or appreciate about them, or how you can see God working in their life. Take on a chore that usually falls to your wife or husband—for me, that might be taking the initiative to throw in a load of laundry or to plan and prepare a meal for the family. Before turning on the TV, take time to pray for, talk with, and listen to your spouse.

If you are anything like me, you will often not feel like serving or moving toward your spouse—but our feelings often follow our actions. So rather than giving opportunity for bitterness or resentment to take root, cut off those thoughts as soon as they appear, and instead think about how you can move toward your spouse today and remind them (and yourself!) that you are on each other’s side.

REFLECT

• In difficult times, are there ways in which you have placed blame on your spouse or allowed differences and annoyances to turn you against each other? When struggles arise within your marriage, do you ever consider that you have an enemy who is seeking to destroy anything that glorifies God, including our marriages? How would remembering the spiritual battle that is raging and the strong defender we have in Christ impact the disagreements, struggles, and circumstances within your marriage?
• How does understanding that God sets the boundaries give you comfort and hope, and change your current view of suffering?
• (Together, if possible) Can you recognize areas in your marriage where the enemy has sought (perhaps successfully) to turn you against one another? What would it look like to resist him, asking Jesus to give you strength to stand firm and love one another?

PRAY

Lord Jesus, my heart is prone to wander, especially when times are difficult and painful, and the stresses of life seem to have no end. Search my heart, ground me in your truth, and give me clarity to see who my real enemy is. Help me to see where I have falsely accused or blamed my spouse (or others) for what we are enduring, and to realize that it may well be that my spouse is not the problem, but that the sin within me is. By the strength of your Holy Spirit, humble me now so that I may remember that my identity is found in you alone and not in my circumstances or in my spouse. Give me a renewed strength to fight and endure for your glory. Align our hearts together with yours and each other’s, and may we rest in your promises that you are sovereign over our suffering. Use my life and my marriage for your kingdom’s purposes and glory. Amen.

For further meditation: 2 Samuel 22 v 1-7; Psalm 18 v 16-19; 2 Corinthians 12 v 7-10; James 1 v 2-6.