Living With a Strong-Willed Childنموونە

Day 7: Protecting the Spirit

Now that we've discussed the necessity of shaping the will during early childhood, let's consider the other parental obligation that must be given emphasis. Whereas the will is made of titanium and steel, the human spirit is a million times more delicate. It reflects the self-concept or the sense of worthiness that a child feels. It is the most fragile characteristic in human nature and is especially vulnerable to rejection, ridicule, and failure. It must be handled with great care.

How, then, are we to shape the will while preserving the spirit? It is accomplished by establishing reasonable boundaries in advance and then enforcing them with love while avoiding any implications that a child is unwanted, unnecessary, foolish, ugly, dumb, burdensome, embarrassing, or a terrible mistake. Any accusation or reckless comment that assaults the worth of a child, such as "You are so stupid!" can do lifelong damage. Other damaging remarks include, "Why can't you make decent grades in school like your sister?" "You have been a pain in the neck ever since the day you were born!" "I told your mother it was stupid to have another child," "There are times when I would like to put you up for adoption," and "How could anyone love a fat slob like you?"

Would parents actually say such hurtful things to a child? Unfortunately, they can, and they do. We are all capable of hurling harsh words at a child or teenager when we are intensely angry or frustrated. Once such mean, cutting words have left our lips, even though we may be repentant a few hours later, they have a way of burning their way into a child's soul, where they may remain alive and virulent for the next fifty years.

Just between you and God:

The goal in dealing with a difficult child is to shape the will without breaking the spirit. Hitting both targets is sometimes easier said than done. Ask the Lord to give you His wisdom to stand firm in your discipline and do so in love to protect your son or daughter's soul.

The "slap 'em across the mouth" approach to child management is a disastrous method, even for a kid determined to break all the rules. It wounds not only the body but inflicts permanent damage on that child's spirit as well. Pray that God will keep you from heavy-handed outbursts that masquerade as discipline.

Pray these words:

Heavenly Father, I know that my own will must always be subject to You and Your Word if I hope to see the same in my children. Please shower me with Your grace and enable me to stand firm for Your truth as I discipline my kids and try to do so with the same love that You demonstrate toward me. Amen.

From Dr. James Dobson's book, The New Strong-Willed Child

Bonus Content: Listen to the Dr. Dobson Minute, "Discipline is Like a Battery."