One Choice Away From Change: Breaking Unhealthy CyclesSample

Breaking the Cycle of Blame

There are probably mistakes you’ve made and sins you’ve committed where you have passed the blame onto someone else—a spouse, boss, friend, or sibling. To experience authentic change and have healthy relationships, we have to break the cycle of blame.

Blame is assigning responsibility for a fault or wrong, which includes blaming ourselves for something that is not within our control or blaming other people for what happens in our lives. Blame isn’t just an unwillingness to take responsibility for our choices; it’s assigning responsibility to someone else for our choices.

Why do we blame? We are born with a predisposition to blame. This instinct goes back to the first human beings, Adam and Eve. When God came to Adam questioning him about his disobedience, Adam blamed “the woman you gave me” (notice how Adam blamed both God and Eve), and then Eve blamed the serpent.

While we are all victims to one degree or another—having been harmed by another person’s choices—those painful, damaging, and heartbreaking circumstances don’t have to define us or the choices we make in our relationships. But sometimes instead of seeing our experiences accurately, we process everything through the lens of what others have done to us. When we do that, we stop taking responsibility for our own choices. When victimization becomes our identity, we get trapped in harmful patterns, destructive relationships, and poor decisions.

Here are some important steps as you commit to breaking the cycle of blame and embracing the healing that comes from owning your mistakes.

First, look for repeated patterns of behavior across all your relationships. For example, if you struggle with dishonesty, you probably find yourself exaggerating details at work, stretching the truth when talking to a friend, or withholding details from a spouse.

Next, breaking the cycle of blame requires an honest assessment of your choices. This inventory can’t be based on what was done to you in the past or the choices of any other person in your life. It can only be measured by your own choices. (See two questions to ask in the Reflection below.)

Next, it’s imperative to acknowledge how others have impacted your life and not blame them for your choices. Don’t skip over what others have done to impact your life, but make a decision to stop blaming them for your choices.

Finally, own your failures and bring them to Jesus. When you are honest about your choices and you bring everything to Jesus, you are going to experience his grace, his mercy, his forgiveness. But this is why blaming others keeps you stuck, because as long as other people are at fault for what you’ve done, you will not bring it to Jesus.

Owning our mistakes doesn’t erase what happened to us by another’s choice. But it does prevent what happened to us from holding us back and hurting those we love.

Reflection: What have I done that has damaged myself, others, or my relationship with God? What have I said that has wounded others? How can I take responsibility for one of these things?

Cycle-Breaking Prayer: Jesus, I come to you seeking your strength and wisdom to stop blaming others and living in a mindset of victimization. Help me own my choices and my failures. Give me the humility to recognize my part in the struggles I face. Give me the courage to take responsibility and the willingness to take steps toward healing. Transform my heart and lead me toward a life of transparency and growth. In Jesus’ name, amen.