When They Won't Be Home for Christmas (Holiday Grief)Sample

Day 2: The Dangerous Myth That Grief Has Stages You Can Fail

You've probably heard about the "five stages of grief." Here's what no one tells you: they were never meant to be a checklist. They were observations about dying patients, not a roadmap for grieving people. But somehow we turned them into a test you can fail.

You worry: Should I be past denial by now? Why am I angry again—didn't I already do that stage? I thought I accepted this, so why am I falling apart at the grocery store?

Stop. Grief isn't linear. It doesn't have levels you beat like a video game. It's more like weather—sometimes sunny, sometimes stormy, sometimes both in the same afternoon. You can't fail at weather. You can only respond to what shows up.

Here's what matters during the holidays: you don't have to be at any particular "stage." You might laugh at a joke during dinner and sob in the bathroom five minutes later. You might feel genuinely happy opening presents and then rage that they're not here to see it. You might accept they're gone one moment and desperately want to call them the next.

All of that—all of it—is normal grief. Not disordered grief. Not complicated grief. Just grief doing what grief does.

God's mercies are new every morning because every morning requires different mercy. Yesterday's grief doesn't determine today's. Today's grief doesn't predict tomorrow's. You get to be wherever you are right now without apologizing for not being somewhere else.

The only stage that matters is the one you're in. And the only job you have is to be honest about it.

Talk to God

God, I'm tired of feeling like I'm doing grief wrong. Like I should be "further along" by now. Help me stop measuring and start just being wherever I am. Give me mercy for right now—not the person I was yesterday or who I think I should be tomorrow. New mercies for the exact grief I'm feeling in this exact moment. Amen.

Try This Today

Set a timer for three times today. When it goes off, just notice: How do I feel right now? Don't judge it or try to change it. Just notice. Grief shifts. You're allowed to shift with it.