Living With a Strong-Willed Childಮಾದರಿ

Day 6: More Ways to Shape a Child's Will

Here are five other general guidelines for shaping the will of a child. These steps should, in my view, form the foundation for healthy parent-child relationships.

1. Define the boundaries before they are enforced. Preceding any disciplinary event is the necessity of establishing reasonable expectations and boundaries for the child. This precondition will eliminate the sense of injustice that a youngster feels when she is punished or scolded for violating a vague or unidentified rule.

2. Distinguish between willful defiance and childish irresponsibility. There is a distinction between what I would call childish irresponsibility and willful defiance. Understanding the distinction will be useful in knowing how to interpret the meaning of a behavior and how to respond to it appropriately.

3. Reassure and teach after the confrontation is over. After a time of conflict during which the parent has demonstrated his right to lead (particularly if it resulted in tears for the child), the youngster between two and seven (or older) will probably want to be loved and reassured. By all means, open your arms and let him come! Hold him close and tell him of your love. Rock him gently and let him know again why he was punished and how he can avoid the trouble next time. This is a teachable moment!

4. Avoid impossible demands. Be absolutely sure that your child is capable of delivering what you require. Never punish him for wetting the bed involuntarily or, for not becoming potty trained by one year of age, or for doing poorly in school when he is incapable of academic success. These impossible demands put the child in an irresolvable conflict: there is no way out.

5. Let love be your guide! A relationship that is characterized by genuine love and affection is likely to be a healthy one, even though some parental mistakes and errors are inevitable.

Just between you and God:

A child's resistant behavior always contains a message to his parents. Ask the Lord to give you the patience and wisdom to discern when these actions are rebellion, or merely childish irresponsibility, or something your son or daughter can't control.

One of the biggest hindrances to wisdom is anger. It's difficult to be discerning when you let your temper rule the situation. Pray for self-control over your emotions so that you can discipline your children with love and grace.

Pray these words:

Heavenly Father, raising my strong-willed child feels overwhelming at times. I know that you have given me this challenge for a purpose. Help me to respond to defiance with firmness and patience, and to discipline my little one with Your objectives in mind. Amen.

From Dr. James Dobson's book, The New Strong-Willed Child

Bonus Content: Listen to Dr. James Dobson's commentary, "Temperaments Influence the Life of a Child."