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FALLOUT OF AN AFFAIR: LOW SELF-ESTEEM AND FORGIVENESS ISSUES
The fallout of an affair can manifest itself in lots of different ways. Many men and women whose spouses have succumbed to the lure of infidelity continue to be plagued by feelings of low self-esteem and self-doubt long after the affair has been laid to rest. This in turn often gives rise to additional thoughts of shame and self-loathing. If you’re in this position, you may be wondering whether you’ve actually forgiven your spouse. You might even feel tempted to take the blame for his unfaithfulness — as if his actions prove that you are somehow unworthy or unlovable. If so, it’s time for a reality check.
Where your feelings of low self-esteem are concerned, there are three things you need to bear in mind. First, your worth as a person is dependent upon God alone. The Lord has told you in the plainest possible terms that He loves you with an everlasting love. So great is that love that He sent His son to die on your behalf (John 3:16), and He would have done it if you were the only person who ever lived. No action of another human being can ever change that. You belong to Christ, and as a result you can say with the Psalmist, “The Lord is on my side; I will not fear. What can man do to me?” (Psalm 118:6).
Second, you must understand that the affair was not your fault. A wife could be extraordinarily beautiful, brilliant, and accomplished, and her husband could still choose the sin of adultery. On the other hand, she might be significantly below average in every area and her husband could still decide to stay faithful to his wedding vows. In the final analysis, these actions have nothing to do with you. Ultimately, they’re an expression of his own free will.
Third, it usually takes two people to make a marriage more vulnerable to negative influences. You may think that this statement contradicts the last one, but there’s an important sense in which both are true. It’s possible, for instance, that while the affair was not your fault, you have nevertheless fallen into a pattern of co-dependent behavior. This is common among men and women who have been injured by infidelity. The more they are betrayed, the more they unknowingly find themselves attracted to people who betray. As a result, they unwittingly encourage further incidents of the same kind and develop a distorted self-image. The key to a brighter future is to break this unhealthy pattern.
Meanwhile, it’s highly unlikely that feelings of low self-esteem have anything to do with an inability to forgive. If you’re struggling in this area, it’s far more probable that you’ve simply failed to address the issues that led to the affair in the first place. Your spouse’s infidelity could easily be a symptom of a subtler and more complicated ailment.
Once a problem is exposed and the associated negative activity has been brought to a halt, many people tell themselves that all is well and everyone should simply move on. But this can be misleading and dangerous. As mentioned previously, the fact of the matter is that very little healing can occur unless the distorted thought processes and root issues behind your spouse’s adultery are found and treated. A paradigm shift has to take place at the heart of your marriage. Without that shift, you can become hopelessly trapped in an ongoing pattern of grief, anger or depression.
You can evaluate and address all of these potential problems with the help of a skilled Christian counselor. You have a number of options in this regard: for example, you can go to weekly sessions or to a one-time brief intensive therapy program which is three to ten days long. These can be life-changing and life-giving experiences.
The fallout of an affair can manifest itself in lots of different ways. Many men and women whose spouses have succumbed to the lure of infidelity continue to be plagued by feelings of low self-esteem and self-doubt long after the affair has been laid to rest. This in turn often gives rise to additional thoughts of shame and self-loathing. If you’re in this position, you may be wondering whether you’ve actually forgiven your spouse. You might even feel tempted to take the blame for his unfaithfulness — as if his actions prove that you are somehow unworthy or unlovable. If so, it’s time for a reality check.
Where your feelings of low self-esteem are concerned, there are three things you need to bear in mind. First, your worth as a person is dependent upon God alone. The Lord has told you in the plainest possible terms that He loves you with an everlasting love. So great is that love that He sent His son to die on your behalf (John 3:16), and He would have done it if you were the only person who ever lived. No action of another human being can ever change that. You belong to Christ, and as a result you can say with the Psalmist, “The Lord is on my side; I will not fear. What can man do to me?” (Psalm 118:6).
Second, you must understand that the affair was not your fault. A wife could be extraordinarily beautiful, brilliant, and accomplished, and her husband could still choose the sin of adultery. On the other hand, she might be significantly below average in every area and her husband could still decide to stay faithful to his wedding vows. In the final analysis, these actions have nothing to do with you. Ultimately, they’re an expression of his own free will.
Third, it usually takes two people to make a marriage more vulnerable to negative influences. You may think that this statement contradicts the last one, but there’s an important sense in which both are true. It’s possible, for instance, that while the affair was not your fault, you have nevertheless fallen into a pattern of co-dependent behavior. This is common among men and women who have been injured by infidelity. The more they are betrayed, the more they unknowingly find themselves attracted to people who betray. As a result, they unwittingly encourage further incidents of the same kind and develop a distorted self-image. The key to a brighter future is to break this unhealthy pattern.
Meanwhile, it’s highly unlikely that feelings of low self-esteem have anything to do with an inability to forgive. If you’re struggling in this area, it’s far more probable that you’ve simply failed to address the issues that led to the affair in the first place. Your spouse’s infidelity could easily be a symptom of a subtler and more complicated ailment.
Once a problem is exposed and the associated negative activity has been brought to a halt, many people tell themselves that all is well and everyone should simply move on. But this can be misleading and dangerous. As mentioned previously, the fact of the matter is that very little healing can occur unless the distorted thought processes and root issues behind your spouse’s adultery are found and treated. A paradigm shift has to take place at the heart of your marriage. Without that shift, you can become hopelessly trapped in an ongoing pattern of grief, anger or depression.
You can evaluate and address all of these potential problems with the help of a skilled Christian counselor. You have a number of options in this regard: for example, you can go to weekly sessions or to a one-time brief intensive therapy program which is three to ten days long. These can be life-changing and life-giving experiences.
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Recovering from infidelity and building a thriving marriage is possible, but it’s not easy. Along the way, there will be obstacles. Learning to overcome those challenges is key to rebuilding your marriage and moving forward with hope.
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