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The Heart of Marriage: Chamber 3: Communication:

The third chamber of your marriage’s heart is communication. While the heart of marriage can’t beat well without health in the chambers of love and forgiveness, this third chamber—communication—makes the pulse strong and enduring, permanent, and not likely to fail or give way.

Your most important communication skill is as profound as it is straightforward. Therefore, it takes discernment, wisdom, and willingness to let the Spirit of God reveal it and then apply it. What is it? Shut up. That’s it. Know when to close your trap, and you can derail the vast majority of your relationship’s destructive communication.

Take a moment to read Ephesians 4:25-32, and see what Paul says about communication and sin.

In our fallen world, anger is a part of life that needs to be dealt with. It’s possible, though, to be angry and not sin since forgiveness “defuses” anger before it can explode. When Paul said, “Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry,” I don’t think he meant that literally. If you get angry in the evening, you don’t have to figure it out before sunset in five minutes. If you get ticked off just after dusk, that doesn’t mean you have twenty-four hours to run around with steam pouring out of your ears. He’s saying, “Deal with it soon.” If you can be angry and not sin, then staying angry leads to a lot of sin. “Do not let your mouth lead you into sin” (Ecclesiastes 5:6). “An angry person stirs up conflict, and a hot-tempered person commits many sins” (Proverbs 29:22).

It’s not unbiblical to argue with your mate as long as you sincerely work toward oneness. In fact, I will go one step further and say, “Don’t waste a good argument!” Learn and grow from it. Holding on to anger, however, can launch you into the negotiation/conflict spiral where all you ever do is argue. That’s different. It may be because you’re unwilling to relinquish your pride and truly come to a biblical resolution that creates marital resolve. If neither of you is willing to submit to God and each other, it will be a mess.

After you have shut up and really listened, then it’s your turn to talk. The Bible is filled with powerful principles for communicating in a way that leads to oneness rather than negotiation and conflict (like the passage you read earlier, Ephesians 4:25-32).

Great communication with your spouse starts with great communication with your Creator. Because of the cross, a personal relationship with God is possible through Christ and the Holy Spirit, and the same communication principles apply!