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Marriage Won’t Complete You

When I was a kid, I either always had a girlfriend or always wanted a girlfriend. And then Becky and I started dating when I was seventeen and got married when I was twenty. In my mind, this was the way life was supposed to go. I had no conception of my life as being lived as a single person. Whether you have a significant other at this point or not, you may be thinking the same thing. We envision the steps of growing up and into mature adulthood as always entailing moving out, getting a job, and getting married.

But for an increasing number of American singles, that does not appear to be in the picture. In fact, in the past few years, our country hit an all-time low in marriage rates.* And evangelicalism has not been immune to this phenomenon. More and more people are putting off marriage till they’re older or forgoing marriage altogether. If you’re a Christian who’s grown up in an evangelical church, you may be tempted to think this is the worst thing that could ever happen to you. I imagine I would’ve thought so too. A lot of us grow up in cultures where marriage and parenting aren’t just celebrated and honored but almost held as non-negotiables for adult faithfulness. Many single friends I’ve talked to over the last few years have shared how they often feel like second-class citizens in their churches—especially as they get older and still remain single.

There is one thing we must get a lot better at doing: simultaneously holding up marriage as a wonderful gift and worthy aspiration (Heb. 13:4) while remembering that one’s marital status doesn’t make one a better Christian. In fact, in 1 Corinthians 7:32–38, Paul positions singleness as an advantage over marriage, because it frees a Christian to think in more intense ways about pursuing the kingdom of God. So if you’re single—and end up being single for a while—I want to say to you that desiring marriage is a good thing, but there is no spouse that will fix you, complete you, or heal you like only Jesus can. You may be thinking of marriage as the antidote to all your longing and struggle, but it isn’t.

Similarly, if you’re married or plan soon to be, I want to tell you the same thing! You should work hard not to expect from your spouse the kind of fulfillment only Christ can give you. For one thing, every sinner is married to another sinner. We are all broken, flawed, and beset with indwelling sin. So looking for perfection from those unable to be perfect is a losing game. And for another thing, we are all finite persons. We have limited capacities, limited resources. We all need filling up. What happens in a marriage when both parties are looking to the other to constantly be pouring out? A whole lot of tension and frustration.

Yes, the Bible says that a man and woman joined together in marriage are “one flesh” (Gen. 2:24; Matt. 19:6), but this does not make a single person “half a flesh” any more than it makes one member of the Trinity 33.3 percent God! Nor does it mean that married couples will find perfect satisfaction in each other. No, that can only come from the Lord.

Your spouse won’t satisfy the deepest needs of your heart. Thinking so only sets you—and them—up for heartache, as only Christ can fulfill you completely. Look to Jesus for your satisfaction and fulfillment, and you will find that, whether single or married, your life will be joyfully bearable and an increasing delight.