Infidelity: Protecting Your Marriage, Social MediaSample

PROTECTING YOUR MARRIAGE AGAINST POTENTIAL PITFALLS OF SOCIAL MEDIA

Married couples need to be aware of the potential risks and pitfalls before jumping into online social networking with both feet. Every new technological development has both pluses and minuses, and, as author Neil Postman observes, it is not always clear in the beginning who the winners and losers will be.

Here’s a list of some of the most noteworthy drawbacks associated with social media:

1. Virtual Reality vs. Actual Reality. The danger of living a “parallel life” in a “parallel world.”
2. Anonymity. A seductive potential for secrecy.
3. Voyeurism, Exhibitionism, and Narcissism. This includes “stalking,” spying, unwarranted boasting, deception, misrepresentation of facts, and self-promotion.
4. Vulnerability to Predators and Opportunists. Inattentive Facebook users can open themselves up to the schemes of charlatans and dangerous sexual predators.
5. Potential Loss of Privacy. Once you’ve put something on Facebook, you have no way of controlling forwards and second-postings.
6. Best Foot Forward. The tendency to reveal only the best and most attractive aspects of one’s life to Facebook friends.
7. Too Much Too Soon. An illusion of genuine friendship where in fact there is nothing more than an artificial “virtual” link with another person.
8. Isolation. The temptation to withdraw into a “virtual” world of one’s own making.
In almost every case, the basic issue here is control. Technology is supposed to be a tool — something that makes it easier to accomplish your goals and achieve your purposes. If it becomes your master, you’ve got a serious problem.

You and your spouse can keep that from happening by drawing up a household “mission statement” to govern your use of social media. Ask yourself: “Why do I want to be involved with social media? What am I hoping to accomplish by way of Facebook, Twitter, or LinkedIn?” If Facebook has a tendency to take over your life, you can regain control by reclarifying your objectives. Remember that you can always enact Facebook’s limitation features to block unwanted searches and keep yourself “invisible” to the larger Facebook community.

There are also some practical measures you can implement to limit the amount of time you’re spending with social media. Here again the key is to use the devices to serve your purposes and strategies rather than allowing them to dominate you. You should also give yourself permission to leave behind your hand-held devices while you’re doing more important things. Some families have also found it helpful to have a “Sabbath Box” where phones and iPads can be laid aside voluntarily as a way of “disconnecting” for a while.

Remember, too, that Facebook and Twitter can be effective tools for strengthening marriages, building up other people, and creating a healthy sense of community among couples. You can protect yourself against the pitfalls described above by implementing the following list of “best practices:”

1. Shared passwords. Maintain an “open door policy” with your spouse.
2. Wise use of access features. In setting up their Facebook profile, married couples ought to think carefully about the amount of personal information they’d like to include and the details they want to provide.
3. Establish boundaries. Discuss your expectations. It helps to agree on boundaries and guidelines up front.
4. Encourage and build up. Spouses should think of ways to use social media to encourage and compliment one another.
5. Go slow. Don’t jump to unwarranted conclusions about “relationships” with “friends” who are really nothing more than cyber-acquaintances.
6. Post with discernment. Don’t post anything on Facebook that you wouldn’t care to see printed on the front page of the newspaper.
7. Stay grounded. In other words, do whatever it takes to remain in control.
8. Exemplify good practices. When children are part of the picture, mom and dad should be careful to model these “best practices.”

There are a number of Internet tools available that can help you stay on the straight and narrow. Covenant Eyes, for instance, is an accountability software that provides selected individuals with a report of your online activities. And Net Nanny is a filtering program that can be used to protect the entire family.