Becoming A Connected FatherSample

Day 5: Communication, Strategy 3 and 4

Affirm Character and Invest Time

Read 1 Thessalonians 5:11; Deuteronomy 6:6-7

Strategy #3: Affirm Character

“Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.” 1 Thessalonians 5:11

How often do you encourage your kids? Throwing pots and pans at them doesn’t count. I’m talking about encouragement that “calls out” who they are in Christ.

Do your kids have spiritual gifts and God-given talents? What are those?

For a fun – and perhaps somewhat painful exercise – right now, jot down the names of your children. Next to each name – write down a spiritual gift you believe they possess.

You might need to read up on spiritual gifts – they can be found in a handful of places in the New Testament – google it!

Now that you’ve identified their gifts – go tell them.

Maybe it’s tonight at dinner, or tomorrow morning before school. You might say something like, “Hey Sarah, God seems to have given you the gift of mercy. I saw how you helped that other girl during volleyball practice yesterday. I love to see you using your gifts!”

Something simple and quick – you don’t have to belabor it.

And strive to look beyond some natural talent, like the ability to shoot a basketball, or draw well. Those things are awesome, and can be used for God’s glory. But, they’re more “surface,” and spiritual giftedness addresses a more fundamental part of who your child is.

Even if your kids are grown and not under your roof – this is a great way to stay in touch and affirm them from a distance. Shoot your son or daughter a text or email validating that you notice how they’re gifted and exhort them to keep using that gift for God’s glory.

Most of us dads are not great at affirming our kids at all. Even for those of us who do this occasionally, we tend to default to things like grades, athletic prowess, or musical ability.

Let’s flip that script and not only affirm our kids regularly – but, affirm their spiritual gifts and “call out” the work that God’s doing in their hearts and minds.

That old saying is true: “People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.” Our kids feel the same way.

If you want to be a Connected Father, learn how each of your kids is uniquely gifted, and affirm this in them regularly.

Strategy #4: Invest Time

“These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.” Deuteronomy 6:6-7

If you’ve never read the book “Point Man” by Steve Farrar, I highly recommend it. It’s a powerful book for fathers and husbands. In the book, he addressed the “lie” of “quality time”. It was a myth born that said we can manufacture “high quality” time if we just try hard enough.

Farrar challenged that conclusion, saying what we need more of is quantity time. And, within that quantity time – we accidentally find “quality time”. He said, “You never know when quality time is going to show up!”

He added, “Quality time is when your son asks you a serious question completely out of left field as you are trimming the bushes together. Quality time is when you’re putting your daughter to bed at night, and she asks you to tell her a story about when you were a kid. And she will remember that story for the rest of her life.”

I realize that we have limited time. I also know that you might be reading this and you don’t have custody of your kids – you only see them every so often.

While there are definitely pressures on our time, most of us can’t claim that we don’t spend time with our kids because of serious life issues. And, working long hours to get that next promotion doesn’t qualify as a “serious life issue!”

I want to encourage you to aggressively carve out quantity time with your kids. Whether that’s on the ride to school, running to the store to get milk or even taking them on a business trip.

I once took my son on a road trip to St. Louis – it’s about 4 hours from Louisville. And, while nothing earth-shattering happened on that trip, my son still remembers it many years later. Down to the appetizers we had at the great restaurant we stumbled upon, he can recall vivid details about the experience.

Communication follows relationship, and relationships are built on shared passions, experiences and in knowing each other’s hearts.

If you want to be a Connected Father, invest quantity time with your kids while they’re young to create opportunities for “quality” time.