Becoming A Connected FatherSample

Day 7: Training, Strategy 3 and 4

Extract Solutions and Teach Service

Read Isaiah 1:18; Matthew 20:26-28

Strategy #3: Extract Solutions

“Come now, and let us reason together,” Says the Lord, “Though your sins are as scarlet, they will be as white as snow; though they are red like crimson, they will be like wool.” Isaiah 1:18 (NIV)

Have your kids ever done something dangerous, stupid, or reckless?

Mine have. Often. When they do, we have a conversation like this:

Me: “Hey ______! Stop that!”

My son: “Why?”

Me: “Nope. You tell me. I’m not doing your mental work for you. I want three reasons that’s a bad idea.”

Sometimes, if we’re approaching dinner time or they have an outing planned, I’ll add, “And, until you tell me, you can forget about going bike riding.”

I normally get three reasons within a minute. “Uh…first, you’ve told me not to do it before. Second, it could poke my brother’s eye out. Third, detonating explosives indoors is always a bad idea…”

There we go. Problem solved, lesson learned.

But, even better than the lesson being learned – they’ve learned how to learn.

In his amazing book, Teaching to Change Lives, Dr. Howard Hendricks said, “Teach people how to think.” He stressed the importance of not doing for students (or our children) what they can do for themselves. This is true educationally, spiritually, relationally. I highly recommend Hendricks’ book for Dads. It’s gold.

If my son is capable of thinking through why he did something and how he can do it better the next time, I’m holding him back by simply “telling him the answer”. I need to let him discover the answer.

There was a time when one of my sons became ensnared by sin. He eventually was found out. 

The discovery led to months of discussion, prayer, and many changes to help him get back on track. One thing I asked him to do was the Path Out Project.

I pointed him to three guys in the Bible – David, Paul and Peter. I mentioned that each of them were caught in sin, and each of them “got out,” but in different ways.

·  David was confronted by a friend.

·  Paul was blinded by God.

·  Peter was rebuked by Jesus.

In the end, their “paths out” of sin were varied, but the outcome was always redemptive. I asked my son to study those men, and write me a short essay on their various “paths out” of sin; and, to outline what that might mean to him if he again found himself ensnared by sin.

I don’t relay that story so you’ll go and do that same thing. You might, if it’s appropriate. I share that story to illustrate one fundamental point: I want to use their discovery and God’s Word as a “one-two-punch” for them to learn on their own.

And, this isn’t just introspection, or self-learning. It’s learning extracted from the Bible.

I want them to see their life problems and sin challenges – know that God’s Word probably speaks to those challenges – then dive in and extract lessons themselves. I want them to learn how to use a concordance, do a word study, find cross references.

I want to use redemption, error, and sin as “excuses” to have them lean into scripture. I don’t think this is “using the Bible as an angry rod,” but I think it’s using the Bible as it’s intended to be used – as a source of wisdom, training, rebuke, and instruction.

Have you ever taught one of your kids how to drive? I taught my oldest son how to drive a stick shift. If you’ve ever done that, wasn’t it fun!? I think we spent a half an hour in one ten-foot circle in our church parking lot as he repeatedly killed the engine, learning how to trade gas for clutch.

But, you know what? That was about the best way he could learn. I gave him a bit of “formal instruction” (“...here’s what that extra pedal down there does…”), but beyond that, he just needed to do it a hundred times.

Clearly, I didn’t want him learning on an interstate where the danger was high, but, he needed to discover the feel of a clutch for himself. There was no shortcut to speed up this process.

If you want to be a Connected Father, don’t do all the thinking for your kids – make them resolve their own problems.

Strategy #4: Teach Service

“It is not this way among you, but whoever wishes to become great among you shall be your servant, and whoever wishes to be first among you shall be your slave; just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many.” Matthew 20:26-28

One thing we said to our kids a lot when we dropped them off was “Be a blessing today!” This may have been at school, church or at a friend’s house.

One reason our kids have thrived in church is because they know that church is not just some place to “be fed”! It’s a place to serve others! We’ve encouraged them to walk in in the door with the mindset of finding a marginalized kid or overworked pastor and jump in to help.

I think most godly parents really want their kids to fall in love with a local church and get plugged in. One way we work against this is when we do the “Sunday-afternoon-post-service-sermon-critique”. It’s one thing to come home after church and “unpack” the sermon: talk about it, share stories, discuss what it made you think of. Good stuff.

But, it’s quite another to come home and “pick it apart”. To point out what parts you didn’t like; outline where the preacher was doctrinally off, “He really meant second Timothy…”

When we do this – we’re turning our kids from members or parishioners, into critics. Then, as they age, we’re surprised and shocked by their decision to leave the church.

But, along the way, we taught them that church is like a restaurant. You go there so long as the food tastes good to you. But if you’re not fed just the way you want – you can just leave.

What’s more, we’re teaching them to walk in starving every single week. Who needs 6 other days of Bible study? I’ll just get it all on Sundays. No wonder they’re spiritually impoverished.

If you want to be a Connected Father, help your kids adopt a servant’s mentality to battle entitlement and consumer-like behavior, especially at church.