If He Wanted to He WouldSample

The ‘Situationship’

“Hey, what’s up? You free later?”

You know the text. The ambiguous one-liner from the guy you’ve been crushing on. You had a hunch he might like you back, and now he finally asked you out! Or did he? He asked if you were ‘free,’ which implies he wants to see you. He did say ‘later,’ which would position the timing of the meet up under cover of night, and the only time two people hang out at night is if they both have mutual feelings for each other, so with all of these equations combined, I think it’s safe to say: it’s a date!

Ok, ok, maybe the female brain is more prone to psychoanalyze than we like to admit. I can list dozens of times I received a text like this and immediately went flying around my apartment complex screaming, “I’m in love, I’m in love!” Bold move, I know, but can you blame me? I was following the lead of the guy who asked me out. He was pursuing me - or was he?

As defined by an online dictionary, the word pursuit is the action of following or pursuing someone or something. Digging a little deeper, we find related words: chasing, trailing, or stalking. *To be clear, if a stalker is pursuing you, please stop reading this and seek immediate legal action.* All jokes aside, these words are powerful and help paint a picture of the type of intentional action that is the by-product of someone’s thoughts and feelings about you. If a man is interested in you with the intention of a real-life connection worthy of your time, it should drive his curiosity to the point of insanity until you grant him access. A last-minute ditch effort to see you while eating burritos is not the holy grail of pursuit.

When I looked up antonyms of the word ‘pursuit,’ I made a striking discovery! The words ’retreat’ and ‘withdraw’ are the first two that popped up in my search, and my jaw about dropped onto my keyboard. So you’re telling me that instead of closing the distance with intentional pursuit, a man is creating margin for a retreat and withdrawing himself while still enjoying the benefits of your affection by stringing you along? WHAT?! Unclear intentions = withdrawn emotions and a relationship status agenda worthy of Jersey Shore chaos and confusion.

So how do we avoid these ‘situationships’ as my boy Mikey from the Jersey Shore likes to put it? It all begins with recognizing your unhealthy love patterns and how you’ve been wired to become attracted to toxic attention from men, calculating it in your brain as ‘pursuit.’ There is a theory in psychology called ‘attachment style theory’ that reveals how we’ve learned to attach in our relationships based on how we were raised. We are either secure or insecure in our attachment style. If we’re insecure, we express these fears in one of two ways: anxious or avoidant. (Look up the book Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller for more on this.)

This might take some time to untangle, but I believe God wants to reveal these toxic love patterns and heal your attachment style by rewiring your attraction and helping you re-connect back to your true value.

I am OBSESSED with Psalm 139:23-24 in the passion translation: “God, I invite your searching gaze into my heart. Examine me through and through; find out everything hidden within me. Put me to the test and sift through all my anxious cares. See if there is any path of pain I’m walking on, and lead me back to your glorious, everlasting way— the path that brings me back to you.”

You can breathe easily. God, the creator of the universe, is here to pluck you off your path of pain and put you on a path that leads you back to Him. He is so eagerly pursuing you. He is so after you. He wants to do more than hang with you over burritos. He wants to woo you and is committed to every ugly part of you along this journey of pursuit. But do you believe it?

Take some time to reflect on the traits you’ve been attracted to up until now. Make a list of toxic things you’ve settled for in a relationship or ways you’ve tolerated being treated less than you deserve. Then make a list of healthy attractions that you want to be drawn to in a man. Ask the holy spirit to heal your heart and seek counsel on how to become secure in your attachment style as you continue on this journey of breaking the cycle of toxic love patterns.