If He Wanted to He WouldSample

Low self-esteem = low standards

I pulled a survey on my Instagram yesterday and asked my friends what makes them feel the most pursued by a man. The overwhelming response was: when they have clear intentions, ask questions, are intentional with planning, follow through with actions, and make an effort.

I gathered from all of this data: women want to feel seen and valued by a man. So why are we settling for anything less? Why are we falling for minimal effort and interactions with men who do not possess these qualities? Why are we 'confused' about a man's pursuit when we should be enlightened by their lack of pursuit and realize they aren't into us? As I said on day one, we are wired to be drawn to men based on our attachment style formed during childhood. I'm not a psychologist and have no authority to help you untangle your childhood trauma, but what I can do is expose the enemy's lies that make us believe we aren't worthy of pursuit.

If you're like me and find yourself scrolling through TikTok late at night (Lord, forgive me for I have sinned), you also find yourself weeping at the sight of cute couples in relationships. Lyrics fill the air, "He's one of the good ones," a tear slides down your cheek as you see the words, "If he wanted to, he would" bannered across images of a man bringing in groceries for his wife. What a marvelous sight to behold. All of a sudden, at 11 pm, you find yourself fighting the impulse to chuck your phone out the window and denounce men forever to become a nun because the closest resemblance to this depiction of pursuit was when your boyfriend-not really your boyfriend handed you your bag to carry at the airport when you flew in to visit him right before you financially supported the entire weekend. (This may or may not be based on a true story.) But WHY THOUGH? Why would I ever put myself in this situation?

For one, let's have a little grace for ourselves. In many cases, a man will love-bomb you (pour on the compliments, promises, and commitments) early on in the relationship to fortify your sense of security and trust regardless of their actions. It's no shock we wouldn't recognize their minimal effort in pursuit when we've become intoxicated with infatuation and consumed by the emotional response our attachment style bonded within this toxic dynamic. But my girl, you are worth SO MUCH MORE than minimal effort.

Many women are willing to settle for less than they deserve when they are afraid they will never meet anyone else. Subconsciously we tell ourselves this is what we are worth and opt for a low-quality relationship/lack of pursuit because it's a better consolation than not being pursued at all. We make excuses for the guy, defend him, and look for ways to justify the relationship because it would be more painful to admit we deserve a man's full heart and attention but, for some reason, aren't receiving it.

Be honest with yourself. Do you believe you are truly worthy of love? Do you believe you are worthy of all those attributes listed at the beginning of this devotional? Do you feel pursued by God in this way? Do you treat yourself with this same standard? The enemy wants you to believe you aren't worthy of love, and he will wrap his lies around your heart's desire to ensnare you in a lifestyle of perpetual heartache, so you never experience true love (which comes from God). I'm about to expose him. 2 Corinthians 11:14-15 says, "...Satan himself masquerades as an angel of light. It is not surprising, then, if his servants masquerade as servants of righteousness...."

I know this sounds dramatic, but it's essential to your breakthrough. God has a plan for your love life, and so does Satan. He wants to get you all wrapped up, twisted, and confused by the chaos of toxic relationships. He does it by conniving you and seducing your emotions with an infatuation of attraction. He desensitizes your need to feel seen by wooing you with empty affections and convinces you to believe you're worth the minimal return. Or, if you've never been pursued romantically, he targets your lonely heart and lies to you about your beauty and desirability. I'm not saying you're dating Satan if your man doesn't treat you according to your value, but he will certainly use it to limit your beliefs and minimize the calling on your life.

So how do we break free from living in these lies about our worth? We start by getting honest with ourselves and God and admitting we haven't been living according to our calling. Ephesians 4:1 says, "Therefore I, a prisoner for serving the Lord, beg you to lead a life worthy of your calling, for you have been called by God." You have been called by God, meaning he has a purpose, assignment, and passion for you. He wants to pour heaven into you and out of you, but that can only be possible if you live a holy life worthy of your calling. God is just as eagerly pursuing you as he wants to partner with you to live a connected life in all areas. You are so worthy of being seen.

Write down five areas you are struggling with in your worth and ask the Holy Spirit to bring healing to those areas and show you healthy boundaries to set in place to start living according to your calling. As your self-esteem begins to rise, so will your standards.