Fully Functional Family: The Family Guide to GROW Through Dysfunction.Sample

Day 4: Open and Honest Communication

Imagine building a house as we continue discussing our fully functional family. We set the foundation with a unified faith and assembled the frame and walls with love and sacrifice. Now, we will discuss something as important and interconnecting as setting up the plumbing–communication. Plumbing is extremely important because, like communication, it provides daily sustenance, allows us to refresh ourselves, and flushes out toxins. Plumbing done wrong leads to backups or, worse, a mix of sewage and potable water… yuck! It's the same thing when it comes to communication in the home. Let's discuss.

The Bible encourages open and honest communication in various passages. Here are a couple of notable verses:

Ephesians‬ ‭4:15‬ ‭NLT‬‬ says, “Instead, we will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ, who is the head of his body, the church.” Have you ever met someone who will tell you the truth no matter how good or bad it makes you feel? I have. Those words cut deep sometimes! Wouldn't you rather be serenaded with praise and admiration? Well, there's a balance. Here are three key points that I'd like to highlight from this verse.

1. Be truthful. We have to be honest with ourselves and others because honest communication within the family keeps us accountable to our shared values. Many of us prefer a world where the truth is relative, and we can be right regardless of the mountain of evidence that refutes our claims. This approach is unhelpful. We must acknowledge the fact that we aren't always right, be open to honest feedback, and be courageous enough to give honest feedback.
2. Be loving. I've heard many people say, “The truth hurts.” In my experience, the truth often exposes insecurities, vulnerabilities, and things we'd rather not share with others. So, it makes us uncomfortable when someone highlights those things. We have to be aware of how our words impact one another. Establish a connection first and gently speak the truth with love.
3. Be purposeful. We can tell the truth with love when we have a pure and clear motive–to help each other grow. Check your motive and tone and grow together.

I've listed a few fundamentals below that will help you be truthful, loving, and purposeful with your communication. Use these fundamentals as a daily reference when interacting with your family members.

• Cues. A cue is something that is said or done to signal an action from another person. Spend time in conversations getting to know each other's interests, strengths, weaknesses, concerns, hobbies, etc. Ask questions that extend beyond “How was your day?” Add questions like, “What was your favorite part of the day?” Only then will you truly understand when your fellow family member needs you to take a certain action to help them grow.
• Distractions. Even after we get to know each other, we still tend to miss cues due to daily distractions. There's nothing worse than trying to converse with someone who's distracted. Put your phone down, turn off the TV if you have to, make eye contact, and listen to understand–not to respond.
• Be attentive, empathetic, and caring, especially when your family member is being vulnerable. This creates a safe space for open and honest communication. Some research indicates that we are becoming as attentive as a goldfish in that we can only pay attention for 8 seconds or less. Don't be a goldfish!
• Body language matters! My wife will quickly tell me, “I know what that face means.” To which I usually chuckle, “Don't put words in my mouth.” She's right 90% of the time (shh… don't tell her). Body language, including facial expressions, can completely derail a conversation. Make a conscious effort to display open or “welcoming” body language by unfolding your arms, matching emotions and facial expressions, and leaning forward towards your family member. It may seem awkward at first, but you'll get better with practice!
• Have an open mind. Be willing to explore different perspectives, ideas, and opinions even if they contradict your own…Especially if they contradict your own. Unless the other person's opinion is illegal, immoral, or dangerous, understand that two seemingly conflicting opinions can be true simultaneously.
• Everyone has a voice. That means we should strive to ensure everyone feels like their opinion is heard and considered. Parents, that doesn't mean you have to give in to the "candy for breakfast" campaign; and children, that doesn't mean you get to run the house or question every decision (Remember: there's a time for everything). It simply means we should value each other's opinions while practicing clearly articulating our opinions.
• Say what you mean. Mean what you say. We often say things without checking our tone, the accuracy of our words, the way the words will be perceived, or our ability to follow through. Let's be intentional with our words, choosing quality over quantity.
• Truthfulness.‭‭Colossians‬ ‭3:9‭ ‭MSG says it best, “‬‬Don’t lie to one another. You’re done with that old life. It’s like a filthy set of ill-fitting clothes you’ve stripped off and put in the fire.” That means we must avoid lying to and deceiving each other to build a culture of trust in the home. No family can function without trust.

Open and honest communication is foundational for building trust, resolving conflicts, and fostering a community reflecting Christ's love and authenticity teachings. Let's continue to build from here.

Prayer

Heavenly Father, thank You for giving us family members we can trust. No matter what has happened in the past, we are committing to being more honest and open with each other. We pray for your strength and guidance when conflict and disagreements arise so we can grow stronger and closer to You and each other. We're grateful for the opportunity to grow. Thank You for my wonderful family! Amen.

Continue the discussion:

1. Take some time to discuss your respective days. What went well? What didn't go well? What do you want or need help with? What was the funniest thing you saw?
2. What is your definition of trust? Why is it important to have trust in the home?