Healing Family Relationships Through ListeningSample

Sometimes broken and unhealthy communication patterns become locked in, and no matter how many times we try to talk with our family member, it ends badly. For many years, my wife and I had an annual conflict in the weeks leading up to Christmas. It had to do with the volume of gifts and the Christmas budget. My approach was to set a total budget number, and everything related to Christmas needed to stay within the limits of that number. Her approach was to set a budget number, but if there were things she would already be buying for the kids, such as new clothes from the clothing budget, then those items could be wrapped up and given on Christmas.

I saw this as "overspending on Christmas," while she saw it as a way to make Christmas more special by combining existing budget lines. You may think this is small potatoes, but it tapped into deeper issues for both of us. Her family background is "Big Christmas!" Her "love language" is gifts. I came into the conversation with anxiety about our overall financial situation. Because we often failed to share our underlying emotions and values, and because we were more focused on getting our point across (i.e., winning), we experienced years of conflict.

If you find yourself going through the same "script" in every conversation, you may need to use an intentional tool that can help break you out of the old cycle. This tool is called "reflective listening." The priority with this tool is to improve your listening and to deepen your understanding of the other person’s perspective.

First, give your full attention to listening instead of speaking. Next, when your family member is done talking, reflect on what you heard. Third, ask questions to pursue additional understanding. Lastly, thank them for sharing and create a plan for the next conversation.

By using reflective listening, you show that you truly want to understand the other person's perspective, even if you may not agree with it.

Reflection Question: What recurring conflict in your family might benefit from the practice of reflective listening?