Dating and the Single Parent预览

4 Dating Myths to Avoid

Myth #1: “If I’m happy, my kids will be happy.” Single parents sometimes tell themselves that their happiness is at the center of their children’s happiness, therefore, “if I fall in love, my kids will be happy, too.” But the truth is there’s no guarantee that if you find romantic love it will improve the lives of your children. In fact, your happiness can bring great unhappiness to your children. To remain balanced in dating, give equal consideration to your needs and those of your children.

Myth #2: Your kids can’t be okay unless you are married. This myth believes that children raised in a single-parent home have deficits that will be eradicated if they are instead raised in a two-parent stepfamily home. Actually, research suggests the outcomes for kids are no different. Children can fare just as well—emotionally, spiritually, and developmentally—being raised in a single-parent home as they can in a stepfamily home. Therefore, single parents should feel permission to stay single if they so choose. If you meet someone who is a good fit for your children, great. If you don’t, great. Either way, God will provide.

Myth #3: Marriage repairs your home and gives children a family. Of course, parents want to restore for their children an ideal family environment once thwarted by death or divorce, but a blended family does not give back to children a missing parent, for example. Rather, it gives them a “stepparent” and a parenting team that is very different than the biological family system they were born into. This is not to say that stepfamilies cannot be loving, healthy homes. But blended families are not “repaired” first-families; they are different families with their own dynamics, rewards, struggles, challenges, seasons, and benefits. To date and marry with the expectation that “all will be restored” is to set yourself, your mate, and your children up for great disappointment.

Myth #4: Dating as a single parent is no different than dating as a never-married single. Before children, dating is about finding the right fit between two people. It is about building an “usness” that is centered in the Lord and motivated by love. Dating with children is about all of that, plus finding the right fit between perhaps a dozen people in multiple households. For example, dating someone with a horrible, chaotic ex-spouse is to potentially bring a lifetime of chaos and ungodliness to your children’s lives. You’re not just dating a person, you’re deciding if you can merge two cultures.

Can single parents and their children successfully blend with stepparents and stepsiblings? Absolutely. Dating well, avoiding these myths, and learning all you can about stepfamily living greatly improves the odds.

Adapted from the book Dating and the Single Parent by Ron L. Deal. Used with permission. All rights reserved.

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In what way have you believed each myth? Write down your answer or share it with a friend.