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Is a Great Marriage Possible Without Good Sex?

Is a great marriage possible without good sex? That’s a question we never thought we’d have to answer. My wife and I married young and thought our sex life would be effortless and fun. We were good kids in a good marriage, so why wouldn’t that include good sex?

Within the first year, my wife was pregnant. She started experiencing stabbing pain during intercourse. We assumed it was a pregnancy complication. But the pregnancy passed, and the pain stayed.

The pain lasted four years. Even after it subsided, emotional scars remained. We would occasionally have what I insensitively called “real sex,” but it wasn’t enjoyable. She was understandably scared the pain would come back. I felt like we were a million miles apart emotionally.

It wasn’t until I learned to love my wife more than I loved sex that our relationship started to heal. When we love each other like Jesus, our marriage is unbreakable.

Here are some tips for an unbreakable marriage:

1. Keep the communication lines open. Both spouses need to feel safe enough to express their desires and fears. Listen closely to your partner and put their needs above yours. If you both do this, acceptable compromises are within reach.

2. Don’t give up. Just because your expectations aren’t being met doesn’t give you an excuse to quit your marriage. Our vows included the phrase “for better or for worse, in sickness and in health.” That vow is still as valid as the day we first said it.

3. Don’t look over the fence. Once you start to feel like your sex life is hopeless, it’s tempting to start looking outside your marriage for fulfillment. If you’re struggling with pornography, get help. Also, don’t share your struggles with members of the opposite sex. You may find a person who is empathetic and understanding, but that relationship can undermine your marriage.

4. Find help. Sharing your experiences together as a couple with someone who can help is vital. We struggled for so long because we were too scared to talk to anyone. Find a counselor or a therapist. If the problem is physical, talk to your doctor.

No matter how difficult your situation, I promise you it can be better than it is today. Even if sex as you see it will never again be possible, there are ways to find fulfillment and lasting intimacy. God has the supernatural ability to make all things new and that includes your sex life.

—Michael

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