Freedom Through Forgivenessنموونە

Forgiveness Is Not Trust

Trust is neither a requirement for forgiveness nor an indicator that you forgave someone. Forgiveness is a decision that can be made quickly, but trust is the fruit of a healthy relationship built over time.

If you believe that forgiveness means trusting someone, you will never forgive. Trust and forgiveness are two different decisions to make. In most cases, when someone offends you, a level of trust is broken.

"Forgiveness is given; trust is earned!" ­– Peggy Heald

Trust Is Never to be Given Freely

"Guard your heart above all else, for it is the source of life." - Proverbs 4:23 CSB

When you trust someone, there is some aspect of your heart that is involved. I learned this early in life from my older brother.

One day, my brother and I were playing Bulls vs. Lakers on the Sega Genesis. (I know, that's way back there). Out of nowhere, he stops and tells me, "Devon, you have to know who you can trust with what." Perplexed, I said, "Ok?" Seeing my confused reaction, he continued. We have a six-year age difference, so I wasn’t anywhere near his level of understanding.

He continued to say, "There are some people that you can trust with a pencil but not a basketball. There are some people who you can trust with a basketball but not a car. There are some people that you can trust with a car, but not with money. Just because you can trust someone with one thing doesn't mean that you can trust them with everything." After listening to his monologue, I said "Ok" with a look of confusion on my face, he shook his head, and we continued playing. Obviously, since I am writing about this moment almost thirty years later, it stuck.

Trust is not a one-size-fits-all scenario. Trust in one area of life doesn’t mean that you should trust in every area of life. Trust should be earned, not given.

Forgiveness Is A Decision; Trust Is A Process

Trust is precious to a person. We don’t give it away to just anyone. If I trust someone with my children, that means I really trust them. There are very few people we trust enough to take care of and correct when needed.

When trust is broken, we should forgive as quickly as possible, but rebuilding trust should be a process that unfolds over time.

When someone has hurt you, yes, you need to forgive them, but that doesn't mean you have to trust them again.

David and Saul – 1 Samuel 16–24

If you are familiar with David's life (1 Samuel chapters 16 - 24), you know that he was a man chosen by God to be king of Israel. However, Saul—the king before him—didn't like that, and he tried to kill David time and time again. David forgave Saul every time. David even had the opportunity to kill Saul, but he didn't. But just because he spared Saul’s life, David still kept his distance from Saul. David forgave Saul, but he no longer trusted Saul.

The Bible calls David a man after God's own heart. If David could forgive Saul but not trust Saul and still be called a man after God's heart, I think it's safe to say that it's ok for us to do the same thing. Don't fall for the lie that if you don't trust someone that you used to trust, it means that you don't forgive them.

Restoration of a relationship is not a sign of forgiveness; it's a sign of trust.

Trust in a family dynamic is always a challenging situation. Sometimes we give away our trust too quickly because we have the same blood. We need to be aware of this. Just because someone is in our family doesn't mean that they have a right to our trust. They need to earn it as well.

If I found out someone in my family abused one of my children, the Bible says I must forgive them. But I don't have to allow them to be alone with or around my child ever again. I probably won't trust them around my children, grandchildren, or any other children under my care again.

Trust Can be Restored with Time

Just because trust is not a prerequisite to forgiveness doesn't mean that you can't rebuild trust with someone who hurt you. I know of many restored marriages where the couples are doing well. They were married and, somewhere along the line, trust was broken to the point of divorce. They forgave each other and rebuilt trust, and now they are doing well.

Trust can be restored if two people try to rebuild it, but not every relationship needs to be rebuilt. You can leave it at a certain level and let it stay there. However you proceed, allow God to lead you and let trust be rebuilt if that is what God has in store for you. Do not try to force it to grow because you miss them. Give it the proper time it needs.