Family Life

By Dr. Daniel and Eun Chan

“Wives, submit yourselves to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them. Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord. Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.”—Colossians 3:18–21 (NIV)

“Because I said so . . .” Perhaps no other phrase has stirred up more feelings of resistance and discontentment in the hearts of children. Even as adults, we may bristle at the thought of doing something just because someone in authority orders us to do so. Unfortunately, many people view the Christian life in the same way—as a seemingly arbitrary checklist of rules we must follow to avoid negative consequences or to remain in God’s good graces.

However, Scripture paints an entirely different picture. We see that our horizontal relationships—in this context with our family members—are the natural outpouring and the fruit of our vertical relationship with God. In Colossians, the apostle Paul encourages us to “set [our] minds on things above, not on earthly things” (Colossians 3:2 NIV).

Since we’re “God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved,” we’re called to “clothe [ourselves] with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience” (Colossians 3:12 NIV). Consider the list of those virtues again: compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. None of them are merely about our own self-improvement. In fact, these qualities can only be expressed or exercised in relation with and in service to others. Thus, as we grow in our vertical relationship with God—in the grace and knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ—our horizontal relationships with our family members would be distinctly and increasingly marked by agape love (Colossians 3:14).

Agape love is beautifully described in 1 Corinthians 13. As one commentator explains, agape love “has little to do with emotion. It has much to do with self-denial for the sake of another. It’s a love that loves without changing. It’s a self-giving love that gives without demanding or expecting re-payment. It’s love so great that it can be given to the unlovable or unappealing. It’s love that loves even when it’s rejected.” Agape love is the kind of love God pours out on us freely through Jesus Christ.

It's with this backdrop and understanding that Paul gives us instructions for our households: Wives are instructed to submit to their husbands (Colossians 3:18), not because they’re more capable, more spiritual, or always right, but as an act of worship and obedience to the Lord and the divine authority God has ordained. Barring circumstances such as abuse and sinful lifestyles, wives submit to their husband to honor God’s Word and to imitate Christ’s humility and submission to the Father.

Husbands are instructed to agape love their wives and not be harsh with them (Colossians 3:19). As we explored earlier, this is a sacrificial, self-denying, self-giving, and unconditional love that Christ embodied for us. Thus, husbands have a divine calling to agape love their wives with the same kind of meekness and faithful leadership marked by “truth in love.”

When children obey their parents (Colossians 3:20), they’re living as Christ did when He not only submitted to the will of the Father, but also obeyed His earthly parents and the earthly authorities of His day. And parents are instructed to refrain from embittering or provoking their children (Colossians 3:21), calling to mind how gracious, gentle, forgiving, and long-suffering our heavenly Father is with all of us. Parents find it frustrating to repeat themselves to their children, but how often does our heavenly Father lovingly and patiently repeat Himself to us through the Holy Spirit and the Scriptures?

As Christian families, we’re “God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved,” (Colossians 3:12 NIV) and with that privilege comes the reverence of honoring God’s commands simply “because He said so.” But our heavenly Father calls us to so much more than that! Because He first loved us, even when we were dead in our sins, we’re now alive with Christ and empowered to “put on [our] new self” (Ephesians 4:24 NIV) and to love our family with His agape love.

Pause: How does your vertical relationship with Jesus Christ influence or challenge your horizontal relationships with your family? What does self-giving love look like in each of those relationships, even as an act of worship to God?

Practice: Write down some practical ways, big or small, that you can exhibit agape love for each member of your family. Ask the Holy Spirit to empower you to live out what you’ve written down.

Pray: Dear heavenly Father, I invite You to search my heart and know my thoughts so I may be brought back into alignment with Your perfect will. In all of my family relationships, please show me how to love and honor each person the way You have called me to. I ask for the Holy Spirit’s power to deny myself, pick up my cross, and follow You wherever You lead me. And when I start to forget, Lord, please remind me of the agape love of Christ that both empowers and humbles me. In Jesus’ name, I pray. Amen.