Becoming A Connected FatherSample

Day 3: Leadership, Strategy 3 and 4

Resist Despair and Get Mentors

Read Romans 8:1-2; Proverbs 13:20

Strategy #3: Resist Despair

“Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death.” Romans 8:1-2 (NIV)

Maybe regret over your past isn’t your problem. However, if you’re anything like many other dads I’ve talked with, you need some encouragement: stop walling in past failures!

I’ve heard from dozens of guys who feel like a complete failure as a dad – I’ve been there! But, we can’t let our mistakes define our future.

One key tool for you to resist this feeling of failure is to learn the art of the apology. This is one of the best tools I know of for removing the feeling of failure from our Fathering. I call it the “Home Run” apology.

There are four steps to this apology, just like four bases on a baseball field, and we don’t score until we make it all the way home -  the last step is crucial.

First Base: When you realize you’ve sinned against your child, apologize quickly – as soon as you can after the blunder.

Second Base: Be blunt and honest – don’t minimize the offense. If you yelled at them at the top of your lungs, don’t say, “Sorry I became so animated.” Get real.

Third Base: Ask them to consider forgiving you (don’t demand it right away) – I usually say, “I hope you’ll forgive me.”

Bringing it Home: The most important piece! Separate your sin from theirs.

They may try to make it easy on you. Kids are forgiving, especially when they’re young, and they might let you off the hook by saying, “Sure, dad, I’ll forgive you. But you were right, I was outta line…”

That’s when you say, “Yes, son, you were out of line – but, your mistake didn’t cause mine. I sinned because I chose to. Not because of anything you did.” You must divorce their sin from yours – for several reasons – not the least of which: it’s true!

If they don’t bring it up, you should. “By the way son, you know I was wrong and that my sin isn’t not connected to yours, right? You were out of line, but so was I. I wasn’t out of line “because” you were. I was outta line because I blew it, plain and simple.”

Think about it. When your son Jimmy hits his brother Billy, and you question him – if he says, “He hit me first!” What do you say? Do you say, “Oh, OK. In that case, it’s perfectly fine that you clocked him.”

No! You tell him that Jimmy’s bad behavior didn’t force him to react. It’s no different when we’re adults. In fact, I’d argue that even more so, our children’s behavior shouldn’t drive us to sinfulness. After all, we are the adult in the equation.

You might wonder, “How in the world is apologizing going to help me feel like less of a failure?! Won’t it just make me feel worse?” No, it won’t!

One of the big reasons we feel like failures is not because of today’s mistakes, or even yesterday’s. It’s because of the mistakes we’ve made yesterday, the day before, last year, back when they were kids… We’re carrying around the burden of our past sins like Christian in Pilgrim’s Progress.

The sincere, frequent, and honest apology is a failure antidote. It’s like a release valve that when operated correctly, helps reduce the pressure in our homes.

You and I can only afford to deal with one day’s worth of mistakes at a time! Let’s use the Home Run apology to score wins for our family in this area.

If you want to be a Connected Dad, learn how to FIGHT DESPAIR by apologizing for mistakes so you don’t pack them around forever.

Strategy #4: Get Mentors

“Walk with the wise and become wise, for a companion of fools suffers harm.” Proverbs 13:20 (NIV)

At this point, I run the risk of making you very suspicious of me. I must mention a topic that yes, I actually wrote a book on. Maybe you’ll view this strategy as a shameless plug for my book – and, I’ll understand if you do.

Even so, I wrote the book for a reason! I think it can help you on this point! I know. An author who thinks his book is helpful. So original.

But, here’s my premise: most guys do not have any mentoring component in their lives. Their own fathers didn’t do it. They don’t like or trust their boss. They don’t really know their preacher, and might see him as a meddler anyway. So, they’ve isolated themselves on their Man Island, hoping no one spots them and arrives on the shore.

Maybe you’re the exception to this general rule. If you’d like a quick test to see if you are – here it is. Ask yourself this question: “When was the last time you approached another guy and said something like, ‘Hey Frank, I noticed you are really great at (…golf, marriage, finances, fantasy football drafting…). I’d like to get better in that area. Would you mind if I bought you a cup of coffee sometime and picked your brain?’”

If your answer is “Never!” or “Who on earth would do something so stupid?!”, then, you’re like most guys. If you can think of a time when you’ve done this, you’re in the top 10%. If you do it regularly, you’re a mentor-seeking role model.

Mentors help you see around corners and tell you the things that nobody else will.

Go find some guys who at least appear to be good dads and buy them a cup of coffee (or a few dozen…). I won’t go on and on about this point. I already did that in my book. Feel free to snag a copy, if you’d like to be a master mentor finder! You can grab the first chapter here. 

If you want to be a Connected Dad, find mentors who can pour into you, challenge you, and encourage you – take the first step.