Becoming A Connected FatherSample

Day 4: Communication, Strategy 1 and 2

Ask Questions and Listen Openly

Read Proverbs 20:5; Proverbs 18:2

COMMUNICATION

Have you ever had this conversation with your teenager?

You: “How was your day?”

Him: “Fine.”

You sit there wondering why you can’t get more out of him! You might even complain to your wife, “See! He just won’t talk to me!”

I may be the first to tell you this, and if I am, I’m sorry. But, I must deliver some bad news: Your question stinks. It’s a boring question that commands none of their mental energy. You deserve the answer “Fine”.

You may gripe about your teen’s inability to string two coherent sentences together, but, I want you to consider coming at it from a different angle. But first, let’s set the stage.

In this section, we will talk about a handful of things:

• Improving communications with our children and how it can often be improved by us developing just one key skill
• Finding common ground – how to develop a strong bond with our kids on topics they find interesting
• Getting our kids to lean in and listen to us
• I don’t think that our kids will not communicate with us. I think we’ve accidentally trained them not to. There are some contributing factors to this:
• How we talk “to” them all the time (are you a “monologue-er”?)
• How well we listen (or not)
• How we talk to their moms (Uh-oh!)

But, let’s set those aside for a moment. Right now, I’m going to ask you to focus on one thing: the portion of your communication “disconnect” that you can control.

Sure, your child might be introverted, angry, too cool for school, or have some other communication disorder. But, the vast majority of dads I know who say their kids won’t open up to them are usually either the “no-talking” dad or the “field-general” dad – they either say nothing at all most of the time, or they just bark out orders.

I think a large percentage of your communication disconnects are within your control. I’d argue it’s a majority, maybe as much as 80% or even 90% of your communication problem.

Said another way: the reason your kids might not be talking to you, could be you, not them.

I know that may frustrate you – or, you may not believe me. You might even be grabbing the mouse, about to delete this file. Wait! At least give me a few minutes to make my case, and later, you can decide if I’m crazy. And, as a bonus, if you find that I’m right, I have good news. It’s fixable!

Communication strategies

Let’s talk about four strategies for getting our kids to communicate with us:

1. First: We’ll start with perhaps the most significant Connected Father skill: the art of a great question.
2. Second: Listening to our kids, openly, without judgment or the instinct to reply immediately.
3. Third: How we can affirm them in their areas of spiritual giftedness – not just their sports stats or grades.
4. Fourth: Let’s debunk the myth of quality time and trade it for quantity time.

Strategy #1: Ask Questions

“The purposes of a person’s heart are deep waters, but one who has insight draws them out.” Proverbs 20:5 (NIV)

If you only pick up one new skill from this course, commit yourself to becoming a great asker of questions of your kids. This is why we built the “53 Compelling Questions” PDF resource as part of the full digital course. 

I think the NUMBER ONE reason dads struggle to connect with their kids is because dads stink at asking great questions. A few things drive this.

·  Pride – we tend to talk more than we listen, and we think our stories, words and opinions are the most interesting ones in the world

·  Expectations – we think it’s our job to constantly be in “instructor mode”

·  Fear – many dads have told me they’re afraid their son or daughter might ask a question they don’t know how to answer

·  Hurry – we just want the fastest route to the solution, and sometimes that’s a direct order, instead of taking the time to let them learn

As fathers, no question – we must give instruction. From the time they’re born, the opportunity for teaching them something is ever-present. From how to walk, stay out of the road, eat with a fork, brush their teeth, study their Bible, ride a bike, drive a car.

However, even amidst the instruction, we can ask questions.

One of the best ways to learn about someone is to ask them questions. Questions about their day, what they like, what they’re afraid of, why they think the way they do. When posed to your own kids, their answers become a pipeline of liquid gold. They teach you how your kids think, what they love and even what they’re afraid of.

My oldest son loves to play guitar – and, he loves all the nuances of it. Techniques, pedals, amps, music theory – all of which is mostly lost on me! I’m not a guitar guy, and I don’t ever plan to be. However, I know that by understanding what he loves (as good as I can from “the outside”), I’m building a connection with him.

Think about it this way: we often talk about “bonding” with other people – our wives, our kids, friends – as if we’re glued together. But, really, we’re both bonded to the same “other” thing, and that’s what creates the bond. Consider your buddies who support the same sports team. 

Are y’all “bonded as fans together” or are you both “bonded to the same team” and that creates a closeness?

When my wife and I were getting married, our pastor, Bob Russell, took us to lunch. He drew a triangle with April and me at the bottom, and God at the top. He said, “Don’t worry too much about getting closer ‘to each other,’ but, instead each of you worry about getting close to God. In that process, you’ll discover that you’re moving closer together.”

Now I don’t advocate putting anything “in place of God”, but, the principle works the same with anything of common interest. As my son learns more about guitar, and as I learn a bit more, it creates a closeness based on the shared passion.

Great questions help you identify what’s on your child’s mind and heart. As you find those things, you can “move closer” to your kids based on their answers.

Communication is not about talking. It’s about exchanging. Thus, we must become as good at drawing others out as we are at sharing our own minds. Andy Stanley said, “Leaders who don’t listen will eventually be surrounded by people who have nothing to say.” How true.

If you want to be a Connected Father, master the art of asking great questions.

Strategy #2: Listen Openly

“Fools find no pleasure in understanding but delight in airing their own opinions.” Proverbs 18:2 (NIV)

Becoming great at asking questions is like turning on a faucet. After that, we need to learn how to “catch” the flow of answers in our “buckets” (our brains).

Listening openly becomes the natural next step for fathers who have primed the pump with great questions. But, if you’re like me – you listen just long enough to formulate a reply and then you interrupt with your “answer” (even if they didn’t ask you a question!).

We can develop the skill of listening openly. Listening openly has three components:

1) Hearing their whole answer. If I could have a dime for every time I interrupted my wife or kids while they were talking, I’d be writing this eBook from my own private island.

2) Putting their comment through my brain. I can process information pretty quickly. But, I still need to take a moment and let their comment “sink in”.

3) Ensuring I heard them by repeating or clarifying. “So, if I heard you right, you want to punch your brother right in the face?”

If I met your kids, and could ask them this question: “Is your dad more of a talker or listener?”, how would they answer me?

A Connected Father can listen without bias (suspending judgment, at least long enough to fully understand); and listen to understand, instead of listen to respond.

My friend Dave is a great listener. One time, we were at lunch, and I was griping about a situation at work. During my rant, he lifted up the top page of his notepad, and wrote something down underneath it. After I finished, still fuming, I said, “OK genius, what’d you write down under there?”

He said, “Well, it seems we have pride with a small ‘p’ and Pride with a capital ‘P’.” He listened not only to my selfish, prideful comments; but, he listened to the heart behind them.

If you want to be a Connected Father, commit yourself to listening well to your kids – it’s a great way to build common ground and get them to open up.