What Do You Think About Your Spouse’s Emotions?

Sometimes we just don’t get our spouse’s emotions. We don’t get what makes them happy, sad, or frustrated. But as confusing as our spouse’s emotions might be, how we handle them has far-reaching implications. Turns out there is a correct way and a wrong way to do it. So, what’s the secret? Empathy. Leading marriage researcher John Gottman defines empathy as: The capacity to identify and share someone else’s emotions and experiences. I love using Romans 12:15 as the definition of empathy. In this passage, the apostle Paul writes:

Rejoice with those who rejoice, cry with those who cry (Romans 12:15 NIV).

When your spouse is happy, be happy with them. When your spouse is sad, step in the sadness with them. Don’t try to fix them.

Your spouse is not a problem to be fixed; they are a person to be loved.

You may be thinking, “But isn’t honest, helpful advice needed, even essential?” Yes, but there is a time and place for it. And if your spouse is emotional, that is not the time or place for advice. In fact, when your spouse is emotional, they are being driven by the emotional part of their brain. The logical part of their brain has greatly decreased in activity. No matter how logical your advice, it won’t matter because it will be received emotionally. So choosing to be with them in their emotions isn’t doing nothing. It’s doing something really powerful. It’s being empathetic, and empathy is a relational connector.

Jesus showed us this time and time again. Religious leaders in Scripture kept a distance from the people Jesus made a beeline for. It was His understanding that led to His empathy that led to His connection. A model for all of us. Empathy is worth the effort to get better at it.

That is why another intentional thought to memorize is . . .

Intentional Thought #3: Choose empathy.

When your spouse has a moment of excitement, say to yourself, “Choose empathy.” When they get frustrated, angry, sad, say to yourself, “Choose empathy.” When they are displaying an emotion for a reason you cannot understand at all, choose empathy.

Think About It

What is one area of your marriage where your spouse needs you to choose empathy?

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Check out John 11:30-35.