Healing The Wounds Of Sexual Betrayal By Dr. Sheri KefferExemplo

Day Five

Listening to the Truth

Scripture: John 8:44

I believe there is something far worse than being told a lie—it’s believing the lie for the rest of your life. 

During traumatic events like sexual deception, our thoughts and emotions are wired to keep us at a distance from those painful things ever happening again. They send signals to our mind, saying, Hey, remember you’re not enough, better keep to yourself. It hurts too much to trust anyone, so just stay small and lay low. 

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if instead a big sign popped up that said, “You are a much loved person who didn’t deserve this; something horrible just happened to you!” 

Unfortunately, the brain doesn’t work that way. It does what it needs to guarantee our safety and survival.

It’s a crime to see how the impact of deception causes us to believe any number of lies about ourselves, whether they come from our own minds or through the hurtful words of others.

Once during a marital separation from my husband, a family member told me, “If you hadn’t decided to separate from Conner, he wouldn’t have been tempted to be unfaithful.” 

Surprisingly, I had the presence of mind to say, “I don’t care if Conner was here or in Antarctica; he needs to be committed to me and the fidelity of our relationship.”

This is someone I loved and whose words I respected. I don’t believe their intention was to cause me harm, but their comment placed shame on me. Those are the types of words that take root and cause us to blame ourselves.

Much of the personal pain that comes from betrayal trauma is a result of seeing ourselves through a lens of shame. Whether the roots of your trauma start in your betrayal experience, or like me, childhood wounds lie underneath the shock and pain of your betrayal, the situation requires healing.

Traumatic events can leave us feeling like something is horribly wrong with us. We question our worth, lovability, belonging, and—for some of us—even our very right to exist. Recovery takes bravery. But I’ve watched women like you who got out of the deepest pits by never giving up, until the truth of what happened to them and who they are set their hearts free. 

What is one lie you are believing about yourself today? What would you like to believe about yourself? What is the more truthful response to that lie?