Psychology of Gaslighting: How to Respond in FaithExemplo

How to respond to gaslighting when you are the victim?

Even though the term ‘gaslighting’ was not used in the Bible, we understand that there are many instances where people were victims or perpetrators of gaslighting. 

We look to Jesus, who was tempted in every way, yet did not sin, to guide us on this path. As I shared in my devotional ‘Psychology of Forgiveness’, we no longer have to ask ourselves, ‘what would Jesus do’? Instead, we should ask ourselves, what has Jesus already done? So, we model our response to gaslighting, after Jesus’ response.

Jesus was ‘gaslit’ by Satan and was constantly ‘gaslit’ by the religious leaders during His time on earth. One minute they questioned His legitimacy as the Son of God, and in the same breath, they questioned the authority and source of His miracles. Yet, in all this, Jesus held onto the truth that He was and IS the son of God. Remarkably, He did this despite the many attempts to convince him to deny or question that very truth. So, how did Jesus practically respond to gaslighters?   

1. Jesus’ response was logical and evidence-based. For example, notice how he responded to the scribes in Mark 3, who accused him of performing miracles on behalf of the devil. He called them out on their illogical reasoning, by asking questions and using evidence which forced them to rethink their accusations. In the same way, where appropriate, we can respond with evidence.  
2. Jesus recognised that the fight was not for Him at that time. So He left his accusers and ‘gaslighters’ to the vengeance of the Holy Spirit (Mark 3:28-29). Similarly, we should not feel compelled to respond to every accuser. In fact, psychologists recommend that we do not engage with ‘gaslighters’. But what does this look like practically as a Christian? It looks like taking the fight to God in prayer and asking Him to fight this battle as He promised in His word.   
3. Jesus was so sure of his identity, that he did not have to PROVE himself. When Satan came to tempt him by questioning His position as the Son of God. Jesus did not engage by ‘proving’ himself or trying to convince Satan that He was the son of God. No, Jesus, responded with the security and proof of God’s word. Gaslighters will lure you in to engage in a battle of words. They will lure you into behaving in extraordinary ways that do not honour God. You must make a deliberate decision not to engage, so that just like Matthew 4:11, they will eventually leave you and angels of the Lord will minister to you, strengthening your heart and mind.   
4. Jesus prayed that they would be forgiven. Even if it feels like the perpetrator knows exactly what they are doing, the truth is that when we sin, we behave outside of the identity that Christ died for us to have. The ‘gaslighter’ is still worthy of grace, and room to grow out of their manipulative behaviour. To withhold grace from someone is to deny God’s ability to transform people regardless of their past wrongs. Though it is hard, we must forgive. This is Christ’s response. 

Think: How have I responded to ‘gaslighters’ in the past? How will I respond to them now based on today’s devotional and scriptures?

Additional resource: If you struggle with forgiveness, read my devotional ‘Psychology of Forgiveness’ on YouVersion.