Psychology of Gaslighting: How to Respond in FaithExemplo

What should you do when you are tempted to ‘gaslight?’

Picture this scenario, someone shares an account of abuse that they experienced at the hands of someone that you know. You would have never imagined that this person (the said abuser), could behave in this way, and so your instinct tells you that the said victim is a liar. This is the expected human response. You are not a horrible person for thinking in this way, yet, we are called to a higher standard than ‘human’. We are called to the standard of ‘Children of God’.

Therefore, if you doubt their account, instead of gaslighting by questioning their memory and denying their experience, how about acknowledging that it was ‘their’ lived experience. Build compassion and lay down your perspective, to catch a glimpse of theirs. 

Compassion says, let me come alongside you, to see what you see instead of ‘lording’ my perspective over yours.

Compassion acknowledges their experience. It doesn’t downplay it, deny it, or blame them for it. Even if you struggle to believe them, saying, “I hear and acknowledge your experience” is a good start.

The psychologist in me compels you to realise that perspectives will always vary from person to person. What I see from one corner of the room, may vary from what you will see from another corner. Human behaviour is largely situational (i.e. our behaviours are not consistent across all situations). Therefore, the experience you have with an individual may differ from the experience I have with that same individual. Moreover, take the synoptic gospels (Matthew, Mark and Luke) in the Bible. They each tell the same story, with a common theme and sequence, but from different perspectives. For example, some points are emphasised in the gospel of Mark, that are not in the gospel of Luke. Still, all accounts are legitimate. 

I am not saying that you should abandon all critical thinking and ignore any available evidence to verify a person's account. But our first response should be to listen and acknowledge, even if we doubt.

The women who were the first to see Jesus, post-resurrection, were not believed because their account did not fit the expected narrative (Luke 24:11). 

Thank God that the women remained steadfast and resolute in their truth, despite being called “crazy” and “talking nonsense”. For the words of these women which were once considered nonsense, are the very words that have become the anchor of the Christian faith: “I have seen the Lord” …He has risen!