How to Hate Your Kids

The U.S. Alliance to End the Hitting of Children is one of a number of organizations pushing to end corporal punishment. “We love children and want to protect them from damage” is the common theme. Their message to parents who use physical discipline to train their children is: “You hate your children and are damaging them by disciplining them.”

While accepting that corporal punishment has sometimes been badly abused, and while agreeing that there are many other kinds of discipline available to parents before turning to physical chastisement, we must also be careful that cultural trends don’t undermine the discipline of children in general and physical chastisement in particular.

We can also be influenced by our own thoughts and feelings. None of us want the pain of inflicting pain. None of us want to make our kids cry. None of us want the worry of our discipline turning them against us and God.

We therefore sometimes ask, “Do I need to discipline my kids?” God’s answer is: “Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him” (13:24). To put it simply: Discipline equals love, and no discipline equals hate.

Refusing to Discipline Is Hating Our Children (13:24)

“Whoever spares the rod hates his son” (13:24). As this is one of many proverbs that address parenting, especially the father’s role in parenting, it’s important not to view this verse in isolation. Proverbs calls fathers to lead their children, teach their children, provide for their children, protect their children, enjoy their children, plead with their children, and be a model to their children. In that context and with that background, God also calls us to discipline our children.

Whatever we think our motive is in refusing to discipline our children, God tells us it is effectively hating them because the refusal to discipline damages them. They don’t learn what’s right or wrong, the necessity and value of boundaries, that disobedience has consequences, or about the character of God. In fact, they end up viewing God as an indulgent parent who couldn’t care less how they live. Not disciplining makes children undisciplined and therefore unprepared for work, marriage, or church life. Above all, they are unprepared for the final judgment.

If you despise discipline, you despise your children.

So, how do I love my children?

Loving Correction Is Loving Our Children (13:24)

“But he who loves him is diligent to discipline him” (13:24). The key to our disciplining is understanding these five characteristics of our heavenly Father’s discipline:

• Our heavenly Father’s perfect discipline is in the context of provision, protection, and praise.
• Our heavenly Father’s perfect discipline does not stop his love but expresses it.
• Our heavenly Father’s perfect discipline wounds for a time but aims at the spiritual and eternal healing of his children.
• Our heavenly Father’s discipline aims not just at behavior modification but deeper relationship, not just changed actions but a changed heart.
• Our heavenly Father’s perfect discipline is adapted to the character of each child and is proportionate to the offense.

We are to mirror our heavenly Father’s characteristics in our discipline of our children. Our primary aim is not to set our children up for success at school, marriage, and work. Our aim is the spiritual and eternal good of our children. We want our children to know God and get to heaven.

I’d rather my kids hate me for a short time and love me for all time than have my kids love me for a short time and hate me for all time.

Changing Our Story with God’s Story

If you are a parent, love your children by disciplining them in the way God would and for the reasons God would.

If you are a child, thank God if you have parents who love you enough to discipline you, who love you enough to risk losing your love for a time, so that you will be safe for all time.

If you are a Christian, thank the Lord for his loving discipline, both indirectly through your parents and directly from God (Heb. 12:6).

Summary: Do I need to discipline my kids? Lovingly discipline your children out of love for God, yourself, and them.

Question: In what ways does God’s fatherhood influence your discipline?

Prayer: Loving Heavenly Father, help me to love you and my children by disciplining them as you discipline me for my good.