Be a Friend before Being the Expert

More people than ever are claiming to be “experts” in so many areas, to the point where we have never been more distrusting of the actual experts! We should all strive to hit our ten thousand hours—or any standard of credibility for a particular industry—that mark us as authorities with expertise. Yet being an expert in what we do does not mean we have to be arrogant or selfish. In fact, being an expert can put us in an even better position to serve people. The more we know, the more we can help. The extra mile in any relationship is in being a friend first and the expert second.

Who are our real friends? Most professionals today count many of their business acquaintances as friends, but are they? Think about who you call your pastor. You probably think of the person who holds the title at your church. But if I ask you, “If you were suddenly in a crisis at three o’clock in the morning, whom would you call?” that answer is much more likely the name of your actual pastor. This same question can reveal your true friends.

I have found that people tend to struggle to be both a friend and an expert in their relationships. Jesus was an expert on literally everything, yet he called his disciples his friends (John 15:15). In fact, sometimes the disciples had to overcome the familiarity of Jesus being their friend to see that he was the Son of God. Jesus allowed them to see him as both the friend and the expert. By the time of his ascension, their obedience wasn’t to the expert they followed but to their friend, out of deep, endearing loyalty.

When you meet someone for the first time, you get to choose to build the relationship or not. To become the friend, you have to earn the opportunity. Being the expert, you have to add enough value that the person drops his or her guard and starts letting you in so you can create the connection. The true “value add” to any relationship is when you are the friend before the transaction, the expert in the transaction, and, once again, the friend after the transaction. A friendship maintained. An expert available. Presence throughout.

God, help me to balance being both a friend and an expert in my relationships.