Living With a Strong-Willed ChildSample

Day 5: Shaping a Child's Will

The most urgent advice I can give to the parents of an assertive, independent child is to establish their positions as strong but loving leaders when Junior and Missy are in the preschool years. This is the first step toward helping them learn to control their powerful impulses. Alas, there is no time to lose. As we have seen, a naturally defiant youngster is in a high-risk category for antisocial behavior later in life. She is more likely to challenge her teachers in school and question the values she has been taught. Her temperament leads her to oppose anyone who tries to tell her what to do.

Fortunately, this outcome is not inevitable because the complexities of the human personality make it impossible to predict behavior with complete accuracy. But the probabilities lie in that direction. Thus, I will repeat my most urgent advice to parents: that they begin shaping the will of the particularly aggressive child very early in life. (Notice that I did not say to crush his will, destroy it, or snuff it out, but to rein it in for his own good.) But how is that accomplished?

In a moment of rebellion, a little child will consider his parents' wishes and defiantly choose to disobey. When that nose-to-nose confrontation occurs between generations, it is extremely important for the adult to display confidence and decisiveness. The child has made it clear that he's looking for a fight, and his parents would be wise not to disappoint him! Nothing is more destructive to parental leadership than for a mother or father to equivocate during that struggle. When parents consistently lose those battles, resorting to tears and screaming and other signs of frustration, some dramatic changes take place in the way they are seen by their children. Instead of being secure and confident leaders, they become spineless jellyfish who are unworthy of respect or allegiance.

Just between you and God:

Your child is aware of the contest of wills. It may even become something of a game for him or her. When an uproar occurs, you must remain confident and firm. Ask the Lord to give you courage to uphold your well-defined limits and the wisdom to do it lovingly and without anger.

Harshness, gruffness, and yelling are ineffective in shaping your child's will. Likewise, constant whacking, threatening, and criticizing are destructive and counterproductive. They can create resentment. Pray for the Lord to help you keep the overall tenor of your home pleasant and tranquil while you maintain boundaries.

Pray these words:

Heavenly Father, when moments in my home become tense and emotional, help me to stay focused on you. Enable me to weather the tantrums and embarrassing outbursts with grace and mercy while remaining confident and resolute in Your principles. Amen.

From Dr. James Dobson's book, The New Strong-Willed Child

Bonus Content: Listen to the Dr. Dobson Minute, "Basic Temperaments III."