Living With a Strong-Willed ChildSample

Day 8: Anger Doesn't Work!

Trying to control children by displays of anger and verbal outbursts is the most ineffective approach to management. It not only doesn't work, but it actually makes things worse. Researchers at the University of Washington, Dr. Susan Spieker and colleagues found that parents who attempt to control their children by yelling and insulting them are likely to cause even more disruptive and defiant behavior. It makes sense, doesn't it? If you yell at your kids, they will yell back at you – and more! Furthermore, there is an interactive effect. As the child becomes more rebellious, the parent becomes even angrier.

Unfortunately, when frustrated, most adults fall into precisely that pattern of parenting. Educators often make the same mistake. I once heard a teacher say on national television, "I like being a professional educator, but I hate the daily task of teaching. My children are so unruly that I have to stay mad at them all the time just to control the classroom." How utterly demoralizing to be required to be mean and bad-tempered day in and day out to keep kids from going wild. Yet many teachers (and parents) know of no other way to make them obey. Believe me, it is exhausting and counterproductive!

I am not recommending that parents and teachers conceal their legitimate emotions from their children. I am not suggesting that we be like bland and unresponsive robots that hold everything inside. There are times when our boys and girls become insulting or disobedient to us, and revealing our displeasure is entirely appropriate. In fact, it should be expressed at a time like that, or else we will appear phony and wimpy. But it should never become a tool to get children to behave when we have run out of options and ideas. It is ineffective and can be damaging to the relationship between generations.

Just between you and God:

You don't need to use anger to control your son or daughter, but you do need strategic action.

When a child understands the consequences that will occur if he doesn't comply with your expectations, he becomes motivated to submit to your authority. Ask the Lord to enable you to avoid showing anger and to be firm in the face of defiance by taking the appropriate course of action.

If Mom and Dad have the courage and conviction to provide firm leadership in love, starting in early childhood, both generations will enjoy an atmosphere of harmony and respect. Pray that the fruit of the Spirit listed in Galatians 5:22-23 will always be evident in your parenting.

Pray these words:

Heavenly Father, there are days when I get so angry with my child. I can tell my outbursts only make matters worse, but it's hard not to feel frustrated and raise my voice. Help me to control my temper and glorify You in how I discipline my child with firmness and love. Amen.

From Dr. James Dobson's book, The New Strong-Willed Child

Bonus Content: Watch a clip of Dr. James Dobson's original Strong-Willed Child Series from 1978!