Living With a Strong-Willed ChildSample

Day 9: Is Sibling Rivalry a Problem in Your Family? Try These 3 Suggestions.

If parents were asked to indicate the most irritating feature of child-rearing, I'm convinced that sibling rivalry would win hands down. It has the capacity of driving otherwise sane and self-controlled adults a little crazy.

It is not necessary or healthy to allow children to destroy each other and make life miserable for the adults around them. Sibling rivalry is difficult to cure, but it certainly can be treated. Toward that end, let me offer three suggestions that should be helpful in achieving at least a state of armed neutrality at home.

1. Don't inflame the natural jealousy of children. Sibling rivalry is a virtual inevitability, especially between strong-willed kids, but at least Mom and Dad should seek to avoid the situations that make it worse. One of these red flags is comparing children unfavorably with each other since they are always looking for a competitive edge. Both sexes are especially sensitive to any failure that occurs and is then talked about openly within their own family.

2. Establish a workable system of justice at home. One of the most important responsibilities of parents is to establish an equitable system of justice and a balance of power at home. As with any system of justice, this plan requires (1) respect for leadership of the parents, (2) willingness of the parents to mediate, (3) reasonable consistency over time, and (4) occasional enforcement or punishment. When this approach is accomplished with love, the emotional tone of the home can be changed from one of hatred to (at least) tolerance.

3. Recognize that the hidden "target" of sibling rivalry is you. The third general principle is a matter of understanding how kids think. Their conflict often becomes a way of manipulating parents. Quarreling and fighting provide an opportunity for both children to capture adult attention. Believe it or not, this form of sibling rivalry is easiest to control. The parents must simply render the behavior unprofitable to each participant.

Just between you and God:

Once you've established clear boundaries for your kids, it's essential to act decisively the instant either child returns to bickering. Ask the Lord to give you the courage to uphold the rules you've set in place and discipline appropriately for each sibling's benefit.

Parents should not permit children to destroy the joy of everyday living in the home. What is most surprising is that kids are happiest when their parents enforce reasonable limits with love and dignity. Pray that God would enable you to be a peacemaker so everyone in your family can abide in relative harmony.

Pray these words:

Heavenly Father, I struggle with how to respond in the right way when my children fight. It can feel overwhelming at times. Please help me bring peace to my home by consistently applying the principles of Your Word with a firm hand and a loving tone. Amen.

From Dr. James Dobson's book, The New Strong-Willed Child

Bonus Content: Listen to the Dr. Dobson Minute, "Sibling Rivalry."