Losing Lexi: One Mother's Story of Grace in the Midst of Addiction and LossSample

I sat on our living room couch, surrounded by wadded-up balls of tissue, eyes swollen and face red. Across from me sat a kind older woman I had met through a Bible study. We were really no more than acquaintances. But now we had a bond, one that we didn’t want to share: the bond of having lost a child.

“I just don’t know how to come to terms with this!” I cried. “Why couldn’t I help my daughter? If I had helped her, she would be here today. I’m her mother; I’m supposed to take care of my children and protect them. I don’t know how I will ever get over this. I don’t think I can.” There were so many mistakes I had made, so many “what ifs” and “if onlys.” The guilt was overwhelming. I found myself opening up with this woman who had suffered the same tragedy as me and could relate to my pain.

That’s when she looked me directly in the eye. “You have to know this,” she said. “You did everything God led you to do at the time.”

It took a while for the words to sink in and for me to realize they were true. I would come back to those words time and time again. Because she was right—together, my husband and I had fought hard for our daughter. We had done our very best to help her.

It’s so easy to look back and see things we should have done differently. But the bottom line is that we are not perfect. No one is. The Bible says in 1 John that if we think we are without sin, we are deceiving ourselves, and the truth is not in us. We can’t look back and beat ourselves up over mistakes we made or things we wish we would have done differently.

Romans 8 brings such relief from guilt and regret! It reassures us that there is no condemnation for us if we are in Christ Jesus; we are set free by the Spirit. If the God of the universe forgives us, should we not then forgive ourselves?

And in Philippians we are reminded that we need to forget what is behind and strain forward to what is ahead. Thisis written by Paul, who at one time in his life had been persecuting Christians. He must have struggled with guilt and regret for the things he had done in the past, but he didn’t let it rule over him or bring him down. Instead, he surrendered the past to God and focused on what he could do at the present moment. When we dwell on the “would’ve, should’ve, could’ve”s, we let Satan get a grip on our minds. If we get stuck in the past, we can never live our lives fully for God. We have to trust God’s Word and leave the past where it belongs so we can live lives of freedom and, like Paul, fulfill the calling that God has for us.

God, it’s so easy to dwell on mistakes I’ve made and what I’ve done wrong in the past. Please help me surrender those things to you and completely let go. Please forgive me for things I regret and help me to forgive myself. Thank you for sending your Son to die for my sins so I can find complete freedom and healing.