Healing Family Relationships Through BoundariesSample

In Galatians, we see that our response to sin should not just be to “let it go.” Rather, we can face difficult situations with a spirit of gentleness and a heart that is eager for restoration. I want to share an example of a couple seeking to establish healthy boundaries with their parents. Steve and Karen reached out to an expert in grandparenting ministry for help with a difficult situation with Karen's parents. They were observing a pattern of her parents behaving in unhealthy ways around their two children, ages five and seven. Her father had a long-standing habit of swearing and did not hesitate to use this kind of language around the kids. Her mother had a pattern of putting herself in the position of "the mom," even to the point of undercutting Steve and Karen's parenting. She quickly took on the role of primary disciplinarian, setting up her own rules, and was unduly harsh in the process.

Though Steve and Karen were concerned, they did not address the issues for many months. In their family, problems were not dealt with directly. They did not want to do anything to dishonor Karen's parents. Instead, they chose the "path of peace," hoping that things would get better over time.

They soon noticed three things beginning to happen. First, the unhealthy patterns from the grandparents were getting worse. Second, the children were becoming increasingly upset, even at the mention of going to visit the grandparents. Third, Steve and Karen were becoming angry and bitter. Something had to change. The "path of peace" was only making things worse.

Their counselor encouraged them to take a risk, to "establish a boundary" and directly address the issue with Karen's parents. They asked the grandparents if there was a good time for them to have a personal conversation, and this is a summary of how Steve approached the conversation:

"Thank you for being willing to talk with us. First, we want to tell you that we love you and appreciate you. Because we care about our relationship with you and your relationship with our kids, we need to have an important conversation. Dad, I know that you use some swearwords, but those are not appropriate words to use in our house or around our children. It is not good for the kids to hear that kind of language. Mom, sometimes when you are dealing with the kids, especially when they misbehave, you are harsh with them. Also, there have been times when you know that we have a rule for something, but you ignore our rules and establish your own. This is a pattern that needs to change. We want to have a great relationship with you, and we want you to have great relationships with the kids. But if these things don't change, we won't be able to spend as much time together."

Reflection Question: What unhealthy patterns might you need to address with a family member, and what specific boundaries may be appropriate to establish?