Healing Family Relationships Through BoundariesSample

Sometimes we need to set boundaries with a family member. We need to say no to move the relationship toward healing. However, there are times when seeking reconciliation in a relationship means setting boundaries on ourselves.

I have "workaholic tendencies," and this was especially true in my twenties and thirties. I struggled setting any boundaries around my work hours. As a youth pastor, there was always one more student who needed me, one more small-group lesson to prepare, and one more leader to recruit. Not surprisingly, my lack of personal boundaries began to damage my relationship with my wife.

Here is a script that began to repeat itself. I would leave for work in the morning, and my wife would ask, "What time are you coming home tonight?" "Hmmm, I think around five-thirty." "Great! I'll see you then."

Then around 4:30 p.m. I would receive a call from a parent who was dealing with a situation with their teen, asking if I could come over to their house to help. After saying yes, I would quickly call home and say, "Honey, I know I said I'd be home at five-thirty, but the Green family really needs my help tonight, so I probably won't be home until eight o'clock."

My wife knew what she signed up for when she married a pastor. It is not a "regular" nine-to-five job. She also understood that pastoral crises would naturally arise from time to time, so she gave her full support to me in those situations. The problem was that these "pastoral crises" were not "from time to time." They were standard operating procedure. Because of my struggle with saying no at work, I was effectively saying an even bigger no to my family.

In the summer of 2004, God brought me to a place of brokenness and repentance about these unhealthy boundaries. The Lord convicted me that I had been putting my spiritual opportunities (my public ministry) in front of my spiritual responsibilities (my ministry to my family). I confessed and repented to my wife and children. I committed to them that I wanted to put them first, and one of the ways I needed to do that was by putting appropriate boundaries around my public ministry. As God helped me to say no at appropriate times at work, my family felt loved, and our marriage improved.

Reflection Question: In what area of your life might you need to establish better personal boundaries in order to show your love and commitment to your family?

Healing Family Relationships

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